What Are The Chances?

I went into a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter, “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”

She said, “Slim to Nun?”

Forgive Me

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest…

For I have synonymed.

Basketball Game

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

“I know for a fact we are gonna win,” said God. “We have all the best players up here…Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on.”

“I wouldn’t count on that, God,” said Satan. “You see, down here, we have all the referees.”

First Christening

I went to my first Christening today and the church burned down.

Talk about a baptism of fire!

Funny Buddha

Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?

Because change comes from within.

Religious Movement

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

Secret Life

I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

Flat Earth

The only thing flat-earthers fear …

is sphere itself.

Religious Gym

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehovah’s Fitness.

Cloud Computing

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was.

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Jehovah’s Witness

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Higher Power Needed

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

Atheism And Religion

Atheism and religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

Let There Be Light!

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light.”

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

Ripped Jesus

Why did Jesus look so ripped during crucifixion?

Crossfit.

Book Of Revelation

John the Apostle is writing the Book of Revelation.

He says to God, “So, Lord, the end will be signalled by trumpets?”

God replies, “No… I said Trump/Pence.”

John says, “Yeah, trumpets.”

God says, “No… oh, never mind. They’ll know.”

Good Christian

I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

Quran On CD

My Muslim co-worker brought a CD copy of the Quran into work today.

He got really annoyed when I asked if I could burn a copy.

Used To Be A Christian

My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I’ve only known her since she was Christine.

The Last Supper

Judas says to Jesus, “Come on Jesus, we’re going to be late for the last supper.”

Jesus says, “Late for the what?”

Judas says, “The supper… We’re going to be late for supper.”

Death Bed Jew

A Jew was lying on his death bed. He asks his wife if she is there. She says that she is.

He asks his son if he is there. He replies that he is.

He asks if his daughter is there. She replies that she is.

As he finds out everyone is there, he has a heart attack and dies. His last words were, “Why… is no-one… in the shop?”

Time For A Rest

After God had created 24 hours of alternating light and darkness, one of his angels asked him what he was going to do next.

He said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

Ran Over A Nun

A guy runs into a bar, yelling at the bartender, “Quick, how tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Oh, about 3 feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

Atheist Or Not?

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible.

Which makes me an eighth theist.