Religious Jokes

I went into a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter, “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”

She said, “Slim to Nun?”

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest…

For I have synonymed.

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

“I know for a fact we are gonna win,” said God. “We have all the best players up here…Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on.”

“I wouldn’t count on that, God,” said Satan. “You see, down here, we have all the referees.”

Which Pope smells the nicest?

Pope Pourri.

I went to my first Christening today and the church burned down.

Talk about a baptism of fire!

Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?

Because change comes from within.

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

The only thing flat-earthers fear …

is sphere itself.

I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehovah’s Fitness.

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was.

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

When is the Bible accurate?

When it’s thrown from close range.

Atheism and religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light.”

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

Why did Jesus look so ripped during crucifixion?

Crossfit.

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

Os-Moses.

John the Apostle is writing the Book of Revelation.

He says to God, “So, Lord, the end will be signalled by trumpets?”

God replies, “No… I said Trump/Pence.”

John says, “Yeah, trumpets.”

God says, “No… oh, never mind. They’ll know.”

I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

My Muslim co-worker brought a CD copy of the Quran into work today.

He got really annoyed when I asked if I could burn a copy.

My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I’ve only known her since she was Christine.

Judas says to Jesus, “Come on Jesus, we’re going to be late for the last supper.”

Jesus says, “Late for the what?”

Judas says, “The supper… We’re going to be late for supper.”

A Jew was lying on his death bed. He asks his wife if she is there. She says that she is.

He asks his son if he is there. He replies that he is.

He asks if his daughter is there. She replies that she is.

As he finds out everyone is there, he has a heart attack and dies. His last words were, “Why… is no-one… in the shop?”

After God had created 24 hours of alternating light and darkness, one of his angels asked him what he was going to do next.

He said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

A guy runs into a bar, yelling at the bartender, “Quick, how tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Oh, about 3 feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

Why won’t ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

Because it’s not a Target.

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible.

Which makes me an eighth theist.