Amish Jokes

The Amish are a religious sect in America who tend to avoid technology and the modern world. So unfortunately for them, they won’t be able to jump on the band wagon and see these funny Amish jokes and puns! You’re guaranteed to laugh yourself hoarse though!

Header image for a page of funny Amish jokes and puns.

Funny Amish Jokes And Puns

You know why Amish SUVs get such bad mileage?

Because they’re real grass-guzzlers.

What’s an Amish person’s favorite dried fruit?

A barn raisin’.

This time of year, everyone should know the symptoms of the Amish flu.

First you get a little horse, then a little buggy.

I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, “Made with real Amish milk.”

I didn’t even know you could milk the Amish.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…

“Son, go get your Mother.”

Why don’t the Amish drink alcohol?

Because they’re always on the wagon.

I conducted an online survey.

And found that out of the world’s population, 0% of people are Amish.

What type of music do Amish people like?

Tech no.

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

What do you call an Amish man with his arm up a horse’s backside?

A mechanic.

Why don’t Amish people water ski?

Because their horses would drown.

How did the Amish know they didn’t prepare their butter right?

It left their stomach churning.

I went to a parade in rural Ohio yesterday and saw a lot of Amish folks.

But I didn’t see anyone that was completely Am.

Jacob wasn’t able to raise the barn in time for the rainy weather.

Amished opportunity, if you ask me.

What goes “clip-clop-clip-clop-bang”?

An Amish drive-by.

Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?


Amish who?

You’re not a shoe, you idiot.

How can you tell if Amish people live on a particular road?

It has a “no outlet” sign.

Amish dad outside making butter.

So whose churn is it next?

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?

Too Mennonite.

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn’t any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

“Shomething’sh Amish…”

I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week.

He never called me back.

How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A what?

I just made a scathing video mocking the Amish.

I can’t wait till they see it.

Jokes About The Amish

If you enjoyed these funny Amish jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, including our other religious jokes such as these:

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