Although we’re addicted to humor, atheist jokes don’t need a higher power to be funny. They’re definitely out of this world when it comes to their laughter-invoking ability though! So we hope you enjoy this collection of our favorite funny atheist jokes and puns.
Best Atheist Jokes & Puns
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books; On the Origin of Species and the Bible.
Surprised, he asked the orangutan, “Why are you reading both of those books?”
“Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
Why are atheists always talking about God?
Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist?
She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
Atheism and religion are but two sides of the same coin.
One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
How does an atheist girl have her hair done?
In big bangs.
A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad.
Her mother asks her what’s wrong.
She says, “Bill proposed to me an hour ago.”
Her mother asks, “Why are you so sad then?”
The girl replies, “Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother says, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
They stay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A theologian and a metaphysician were arguing ontology one day.
The theologian chuckled and said, “Metaphysics is a blind man in a dark room searching for a black cat.”
The metaphysician replied, “At least the cat exists.”
You never see a church with free WiFi.
I guess they don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
Just one guy stepped forward and said, “Aye, captain,I know how to pray.”
“Good,”said the captain, “You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”
Atheism: The belief that we have a long way to go before we even begin to understand the infinite complexities of the universe.
Religion: “The big magic sky-man made it all, now give me some money.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill.”
And then he wiped out the entire human race with a global flood just because people didn’t take it seriously.
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
An atheist commits suicide and is surprised to find himself in heaven.
“Wow,” he says to God, “you know I didn’t expect to be here. I’m an atheist and on top of that I thought you’re not supposed to go to heaven if you kill yourself.”
“No, it’s okay,” says God. “I’ve thought about suicide myself.”
“Really?” asks the man. “Why?”
“Well,” God says, “What if this is all there is?”
Blasphemy is a victim-less crime.
God’s power has changed over centuries.
He used to create universes and flood the entire Earth – now he can only manage to appear on toast.
Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian.
She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.
There’s just one girl who doesn’t raise her hand.
So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
The girl says, “Because I’m not a Christian.”
The teacher asks, “So what are you then?”
The girl replies, “I’m an atheist.”
The teacher’s a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she’s an atheist.
The girl says, “It’s just that my family isn’t religious. My Mom’s atheist, and my Dad’s atheist, so I’m atheist.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason.” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
“Then,” says the girl, “I’d be a born-again Christian.”
I’m such a hardcore atheist, I don’t believe other people believe in God.
Prayers are like insurance companies.
They give people hope all the time but they don’t help when an actual disaster strikes.
An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted “God help me!”, and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you’re asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”
Religious people might be on to something after all, rejecting the theory of evolution.
If evolution worked properly, there wouldn’t be any religious people.
I hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
More Funny Jokes & Puns
If you liked these atheist jokes and puns, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny religious jokes, such as these:
