Church Jokes

Here’s the answer to all your laughter prayers – a collection of funny church jokes and puns! Let us spray them around so everyone can join in the fun!

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Funny Church Jokes & Puns

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”

She is watching our wedding video again.

What did the stormtrooper say when he went into a church for the first time?

Pew. Pew, pew, pew. Pew, Pew.

Pew.

A friend was lamenting that “Take Me To Church” was playing at her son’s rollerskating birthday party.

She thought the song was too sad for rollerskating.

I completely agreed and said there should definitely be a separation of church and skate.

What do you call Batman who skips church?

Christian Bale.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line…

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…

It was a blessing in disguise.

The Church of England has finally approved of female bishops.

Now British women are finally free to move diagonally.

Why do movie makers record laser gun sound effects in churches?

Because they go “pew pew pew”.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray.

A man with no arms walks into a church and asked the priest if he could be the new bell ringer.

The priest said he was unsure if he could hire him, but would give him a chance.

The man went to the bell tower and started running into the bells head first to make the most beautiful sounds the priest had ever heard.

Unfortunately, on his second attempt the man missed the bell and fell out of the tower and died.

The priest ran outside to the body and asked the gathering crowd if anyone knew who he was and they all said no, but his face did ring a bell.

A few minutes later another man walked up and claimed that the armless man was a dead ringer for his brother.

Why don’t Hindus eat beef?

Separation of church and steak.

What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for years?

Church.

A priest ended up at the wrong church.

There was a clerical error.

I went to a church yard sale looking for a grill.

Unfortunately, they only had friars.

What do you call an atheist church?

A non-prophet organization.

Why is it rude to fart in church?

Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.

Why is driving by a church so dangerous?

Because there is so much cross traffic.

Last night, a naked man broke into our church and started running around.

The cops finally caught him by the organ.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

If someone never misses a day of church…

Would you say they go religiously?

When you donate food to a church…

Is it parishable?

A Higgs-boson walks into a church

The priest says, “Higgs-bosons aren’t allowed in here.”

The Higgs-boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp.

It was a real slap in the faith.

Why do melons have to get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe.

What do you call a bird that goes to church?

A bird of prey.

I tried taking my car in for a service yesterday.

It wouldn’t fit through the church doors.

There was a collision on the freeway involving a church bus.

Nun survived.

I prefer to get my milk from the church.

That way I know it’s pastor-ised.

There was a race between two church districts in my town to see who could finish building their new church the quickest.

It was a steeple-chase.

Why don’t skeletons play music in church?

No organs.

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