Here’s some Mormon-key business for you – a collection of funny Mormon jokes and puns!
Funny Mormon Jokes
An LDS weasel goes into a restaurant for dinner and the waiter says, “I’ve never served someone from your church before. Would you like to start with a beer?”
“I don’t drink alcohol,” comes the reply.
The waiter responds, “What can I get for you then?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
What is a Mormon missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
Did you hear about the Mormon drummer that married 4 women with the same name?
Anna 1.
Anna 2.
Anna 1,2,3,4.
Why did the Mormon cross the road?
To get to the other bride.
Did you hear about the Mormon cat with a speech impediment?
He had nine wives.
A Mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age.
When he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few weeks guilt set in and he confessed to his wife.
She screamed at him, “How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?”
As a Mormon, heritage is very important to me.
From a very young age, I learned all about my forefathers…
And my five mothers!
Why did Brigham Young wear a beard?
At first he didn’t like it, but then it grew on him.
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to screw it in and five to bring the refreshments.
Two Mormon missionaries knocked on my door.
One of the missionaries said, “Good afternoon sir. I am Elder Mike and this is Elder James and we were wondering if you had a few moments to talk about the good news of Jesus Christ.”
I replied, “Wow! I had no idea Elder was such a common name!”
A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
“You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live,” the doctor tells him.
The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news.
The patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, “Can I give you some non- medical advice?”
“Sure, anything, Doc. I’m desperate! “
“Are you religious? the doctor asks.
“Not at all,” says the patient.
“Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can.”
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. “Will that extend my life?!”
“No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest 6 months you’ve ever had.”
They call it Mormon but the last time I checked the men are always after more women.
How do you know you’re at a Mormon wedding?
The mother of the bride is pregnant.
Two Mormon missionaries knocked on my door.
One of the missionaries said, “Good afternoon sir. I am Elder Mike and this is Elder James and we were wondering if you had a few moments to talk about the good news of Jesus Christ.”
I replied, “It’s just the two of you? I thought you were more men.”
A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.
The Scientologist jokes, “I’ve got 4 kids. One more and I’ll have a basketball team!”
The Catholic joins in and says, “Well I’ve got 10 kids, and one more I’ll have a football team!”
The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. “I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course.”
My son asked me what I think about Mormons.
I said, “Are you asking if they’re devils or saints? Well this day I say the latter!”
The economy’s so bad, the other day I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?
Invite two of them.
Did you know the first Mormon was actually Jamaican?
He had one wife but he wanted more, mon.
What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and sleep with strangers?
An oxy-Mormon.
Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you?
If you invite only one, you’ll have to share your beer.
Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?
Because 36 would be too many.
Why are Mormons so white?
Because they don’t go out on Sun day.
Joseph Smith sold so many copies of the Book of Mormon…
That they made him a prophet.
What do you call a jumbo shrimp with multiple wives?
An oxy-Mormon.
How do you make a Mormon stop drinking?
You invite another one.
What do you call an underwater Mormon housekeeper?
Mormaid.
Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding when one of them leans over and asks the other: “I’m confused, how many wives are we allowed to have?”
His companion mulls it over, “Sixteen… I think. Four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”
What did the Mormon say to the grasshopper?
We’re in-sects.
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness and a Mormon?
I have no idea but I can’t get him off my porch.
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains…
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
Three men are waiting patiently for their babies to be born.
One was a black man, another was a Mormon, and the final was a southern redneck.
From the maternity ward, they hear their wives cry in the final push to give birth, but just then all the lights go out. There’s a huge commotion and finally after several minutes the lights come back on.
The head obstetrician comes out to speak to the new fathers.
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your wives are just fine, and you each have a brand new baby boy. The bad news is that with the loss of electricity and all the commotion of childbirth, we sort of lost track of which baby is which. The only thing I can think of to do is let each of you go in and choose the baby you think is yours.”
The southern redneck speaks up, “Well, I want to go first. I just won’t have it any other way!”
The redneck goes in to view the newborns, and comes out a moment later with a black baby.
The black man protests, “Hey, you know that’s not your baby!”
The redneck replies, “Maybe so, but at least I know it’s not a Mormon!”
Why can’t you take a Mormon speed dating?
He’ll start pushing all the tables together.
A Hindu, Jewish Rabbi, and Mormon Evangelist are lost.
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
“I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,” says the farm owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it’s no problem.
However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me.”
“No problem,” says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn.
Again though, he returns and knocks. “There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings.”
“I will go then, friends,” says the Mormon, and he proceeds to the barn.
A few moments later, there is a knock at the door.
It’s the cow and the pig.
Mormons believe in wife after death.
A Mormon walks into a bar.
Just kidding.
Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?
Because they think he will end their Missouri.
Mormons are really nice people.
They all smile at you.
Some of them even blink.
A mormon went to see “The Book of Mormon.”
He thought the book was better.
Why did the man convert to Mormonism?
Because he wanted to have his Kate, and Edith, too!
Why do Mormons get away with murder?
They all share DNA.
Two men were catching up at a missionary reunion.
“I have 3 children now,” one of them said.
“I sure wish I had 3 children.”
““Don’t you have children yet?”
“Yes, six!”
What’s the worst thing about a BYU religion class?
They tend to Babylon.
Jokes About Mormons
If you enjoyed these funny puns and jokes about Mormons, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes and other humor, such as these:
