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Funny Jewish Jokes
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
My friend told me he was Jewish.
I was like, “No way!”
And he was like, “Yahweh.”
I’m half Irish and half Jewish, so…
I’m drinking if you’re buying.
Did you hear about that Jewish barista?
Hebrews really good coffee.
A Jehovah’s Witness knocks on a Jew’s door.
Jew: “Can I help you?”
Witness: “Hello sir, I’m here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!”
Jew: “Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too…”
Witness: “No way?!”
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
“I don’t have a clue!!!” the Rabbi said. “First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.
“And then what?” asked a woman.
“Who knows…’ said the Rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!”
A Holocaust survivor died and went to heaven.
Upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke.
Then God said, “That’s not funny”, to which the Jew replied, “Oh, I guess you had to be there.”
Have you ever had Jewish coffee?
You’d like it, Israeli good.
What do you call a non-practicing Jew?
On his death bed, an old Jew says to his wife, “Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?”
“Sure I was, Moshe,” she replies.
“When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no?”
“I was, Moshe.”
“And now you’re at my death bed, aren’t you?”
“I am, darling.”
“I’m starting to think you’re bad luck, Sarah.”
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
How did the Jewish soccer player get hurt?
He Torah ligament.
Where do imaginary Jews live?
A jew walks into a bar…
I met a Jewish barista the other day…
Did you hear about the Rabbi that offered free circumcisions?
Apparently, he only cared about the tips.
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews.
Turns out, Israel.
How did Pharaoh successfully enslave the Jews?
He created a pyramid scheme.
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian.”
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
“Barman,” he says, “A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.”
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile.
Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected, so he goes back to the bar.
“Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf”
The Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before.
“Is that Jew a complete fool or what?” he asks the barman.
The bartender responds, “Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar!”
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while.
Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian.
The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, “That’s odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.”
So the two of them go to see the Rabbi.
They tell the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.
The Rabbi listens, thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.”
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what’s going on over there.
They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.
They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians.
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, “That’s odd . . . “
Why do Jews get circumcised?
Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn’t at least 10% off.
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him.
“Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”
Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
Two Jews are arguing before the Rabbi.
First Jew: “Black is a color!”
Second Jew: “NO! it is not!”
First Jew: “It is a color!”
Second Jew: “Rabbi, is black a color?”
Rabbi: “Well, sure…”
First Jew: “See, I told you. And so is white!”
Second Jew: “White is not a color!”
First Jew: “Rabbi?”
Rabbi: “Well, yes, white is a color”
First Jew: “See, I told you Moishe, I sold you a color TV!”
A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man were walking in a national forest.
All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man.
The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help.
He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened.
So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest.
There were two bears together.
“Now there are only two bears on this mountain,” the ranger explained.
“One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?”
The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male bear.
So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away.
When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty.
The moral of the story? Never trust a Jew that says the Czech is in the male.
Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.
On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.
Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: “Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!”
While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously.
A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: “I still wonder if that offer is serious.”
The other replies condescendingly: “Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!”
What do you call a Jewish crustacean?
What do Jewish dogs do at 13?
They have a Bark Mitzvah.
What kind of self-defense does a Jewish Trump supporter practice?
What do you call a Jewish person who is too young to be considered an adult?
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed these funny jokes about Jews, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, including these: