Episcopalian Jokes

The Episcopal church is a member of the Anglican Communion in the U.S. Enjoy these funny Episcopalian jokes!

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Funny Episcopalian Jokes

How many Episcopalians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to fix the martinis, one to call the electrician and one to complain about how much better the old one was.

How do you make an Episcopalian look at his shoes?

Mention Jesus or money.

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan begins by giving him a tour.

In the first room, he sees people suffering. “Who are those?” he asks.

“Those are Muslims who ate pork,” he is told.

The next room is even worse. “Who are those unfortunate souls?” he asks.

“Oh, those are Jews who didn’t keep the Sabbath” is the reply.

But the third room is the absolute worst. The people there are being tortured beyond belief.

A long, hushed silence occurs. Finally, Satan breaks it. “They’re Episcopalians who didn’t use their salad forks.”

An old Episcopal grandmother finally decided to read the Bible.

She purchased a large-print edition and read it cover-to-cover.

When she finished, she pulled the rector aside at coffee hour and confided, “I really enjoyed reading the Bible, but I was surprised how much it quotes the Book of Common Prayer!”

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”

He said, “Why shouldn’t I?”

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said, “Wow! Me too! Are ygou Baptist church of God or Baptist church of the Lord?”

He said, “Baptist church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you original Baptist church of God, or are you reformed Baptist church of God?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of God, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of God, reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist church of God, reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

Why are Episcopalians lousy chess players?

Because they don’t know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen.

In the process of conquering the West for Christ, the Baptists went on foot, the Methodists went on horseback…

But the Episcopalians waited for the Pullman car.

An Episcopalian is either a Roman Catholic who flunked Latin or a Presbyterian whose stocks paid off.

In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.

The Baptists wondered where they could find water.

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.

The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.

The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.

The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”

The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.

The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire.

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report…

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, “You know, it’s great to get to know one another’s theology across sectarian boundaries like this. But I think it would be even better if we shared some of our human side. Don’t any of you have any bad habits? You know, confession is good for the soul, and we’d surely build mutual tolerance, knowing what faults we all share. How about it?”

The Baptist minister said, “I’d have to say that that’s a fine idea. I’ve been carrying a burden for a long time, and I’d be glad to finally get it off my heart. You see, friends, I’m a terrible, terrible drunkard. I’ve got a flask in every jacket and gown I have. Half the time when the secretary tells callers that I’m out tending to my congregation, I’m really face down on my desk in my office, out cold. I can’t tell you the number of baptisms, weddings, funerals, counseling sessions that I’ve skipped because I was absolutely plastered!”

The Episcopalian rector nodded gravely and said. “Well, that can’t be worse than me. I’m a terrible, terrible adulterer. I’m completely out of control! If a woman in my parish can fog a mirror, I’ll come on to her. I’ve got the back door keys to half the homes in my congregation, and my office couch folds out into a bed. I don’t even like to have my picture taken with the children’s Sunday school classes!”

The Methodist minister heaved a sigh, and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got that beat. I’m a terrible, terrible embezzler. I’m no good with money; and I’ve got a taste for high living that my salary can’t satisfy. Each church I’ve served at could have paid down their mortgage like you wouldn’t believe if not for me and my spendthrift ways. What a hypocrite I’ve been, brow-beating my hard-working parishioners to pledge more each year, while I spent their gifts hand over fist!”

The Catholic priest steepled his fingers and bowed his head. He said nothing. Presently one of the others said, “Well? Don’t you have any skeletons to share?”

The priest shrugged and looked up. “Well, I’m a terrible, terrible gossip.”

A group of Christians are tasked with changing a light bulb.

The Charismatic changes it easily; his hands are already up.

The Roman Catholic refuses; he prefers candles.

The Pentecostal changes it while his friends pray against the Lord of Darkness.

The Christian Scientist can’t, but he prays for the light to turn back on.

The Calvinist refuses; God has predestined when the light will be on.

The Episcopalian changes the lightbulb while his friends say how much they liked the old one.

The Mormon tries to change it as five wives tell him how to do it right.

The Baptist changes the lightbulb, gets it approved by three committees, and then they all eat some casserole.

The Lutheran refuses: he doesn’t believe in change.

The Unitarian chooses not to make a statement either in favor of, or against, the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are encouraged to create a poem or modern dance about your personal relationship with the light bulb, and present it next Sunday when we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, halogen, compact fluorescent, low-pressure sodium, and LED, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

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