Poker Jokes

When the chips are down, we always come up trumps! We’re feeling flush so here’s a full house of funny poker jokes and puns. Let’s hope you can deal with them!

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Funny Poker Jokes & Puns

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament and gets interviewed afterwards.

The interviewer says, “Congratulations on your win! If you don’t mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?”

The poker player replies, “I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.”

The interviewer continues, “And what about the rest?”

The poker player says, “Well… I guess they’ll have to wait.”

I came home from the bar four hours late last night. “Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife.

I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some of the guys.”

“Playing poker with some of the guys?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”

“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma’am… I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

“What’s that?” She asks suspiciously

“The bad news is your husband lost $20,000 to me playing poker.”

“What!” She screams. “I’m going to kill him!”

The drunk replies “Well, that’s the good news…”

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”

“Oh yes, very serious,” said the doctor gravely. “There are three doctors there already.”

Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don’t know what a full house is.

My wife said she’ll leave me if I don’t overcome my poker addiction.

But I think she’s bluffing.

Why did the origami artist never win a poker match?

Because he kept folding.

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

Marriage is like poker.

It starts with two hearts and a diamond, but by the end you just wish you had a club and spade.

My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party.

I’m no longer welcome to play poker with her.

At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

Why can’t pirates play poker?

Because someone is always standing on the deck.

My son pulled up a chair next to me while I was playing poker today and said, “I wanna watch.”

I replied “Go get a job and buy one yourself then.”

I once played poker with a deck of Tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died.

A poker player would never make any money if he sat in a folding chair.

It’s quite hard to beat a toilet at poker.

It always has a flush.

Why was the poker player’s closet messy?

Because he never wanted to fold.

Waiter: Do you wanna box for that?

Me: I don’t box. How about a quick round of poker?

I’ve just won a few hands in poker.

Some people really will gamble anything.

I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.

He said, “I see you and I raise you.”

Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?

You can see right through them.

Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?

He’s finding it hard to deal with.

What do you call a bison with a great poker face?

A bluffolo.

What did the plumber say when he won at poker?

It’s better to have a flush than a full house.

I won my poker tournament last night with the five of clubs and the five of spades.

Black fives matter.

A family got a new lie detector machine. The machine would buzz whenever a lie was told, so the father decided to test it out at dinner.

He asked his son, “What did you do with your lunch money today at school, son?”

His son replied, “I just bought lunch.”

The machine buzzed, and the kid starting sweating as the mom and dad looked at him, until he finally said, “I used it to pay someone I owed money to.”

The machine buzzed for a second time, so the son stood up and told the truth: “Fine, I used it to gamble on a poker game.”

The father scolded him, saying, “I never gambled when I was your age!”

The machine buzzed again and everyone at the table started laughing.

When the laughter cleared up, the mom looked at the father, spoke up and said, “What can I say? He is your son after all!”

And the machine buzzed again.

I phoned my wife today and said, “Pack a bag dear, I’ve booked us into a hotel for a few nights.”

“Ooh, why’s that?” she asked.

I said, “Well I’ve been playing poker all day, havent I!”

“Really?” she asked again in excitement, “How much have you won?”

“Nothing,” I replied. “I’ve lost the house.”

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