Updated: 18th September, 2023.
Bad vampire puns and jokes can really drive you batty! Don’t worry though because upon reflection (something vampires lack!), none of these examples suck! So get your teeth into these funny vampire puns and enjoy them. You can fang us later!
Funny Vampire Puns & Vampire Jokes
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a laptop?
Love at first byte.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
I used to work with a vampire.
They were a real pain in the neck.
Where do vampires keep their money?
In the blood bank.
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Why did the vampire break up with her boyfriend?
Because he wasn’t her type.
I’m thinking of joining my local vampire club.
Apparently they’re always looking for new blood.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
I used to know a vampire actor.
He gave up because he couldn’t find a role he could really get his teeth into.
How do vampires travel across the sea?
On blood vessels.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Last Halloween, I went to a party dressed as Dracula and ate all the food.
I was Vampire the Buffet Slayer.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of soup?
Scream of tomato.
What do vampires eat for breakfast?
Ready Neck.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Why does no-one like vampires?
Because they’re real pains in the neck.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because they always like to draw blood.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite song?
Another One Bites The Dust.
What do you call a foolish vampire?
A silly sucker.
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What does a vampire never order at the restaurant?
A steak.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Why did the vampire keep acting batty?
It was in his blood.
Who plays striker for the vampire soccer team?
The ghoulscorer.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart?
He had loved in vein.
Why do vampires chew gum?
Because they have bat breath.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
How does a vampire enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
More Puns & Jokes About Vampires
What kind of beer does a vampire drink?
Bloodweiser.
I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was.
I replied, “The count from Sesame Street.”
They told me, “He doesn’t count!”
I said, “I assure you, he does.”
What do you call a vampire out on a date?
A neck romancer.
What do you call a coupon-using vampire?
Discount Dracula.
What do you call a fat vampire?
Nos-fer-ate-too-much.
What do you call a vampire with ADHD?
Distracula.
How do you kill a French vampire?
You have to stab him/her with a baguette. It sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
Why don’t vampires use autocorrect?
Because they love type Os.
How do you say goodbye to a vampire?
“So long sucker”.
Why are there no vampire CEOs?
They really, really hate stakeholders.
What do you call a vampire that likes to cook?
Count Spatula.
What do you call a vampire who thinks the Earth is flat?
No-sphere-ratu.
Why did the vampire become a vegetarian?
Because his doctor told him stake is bad for his heart.
How does a vampire start a letter?
Tomb it may concern.
Two priests walk into a vampire.
One says, “Quick show him your cross.”
The other priest crosses his arms and says, “I’m so disappointed in you.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite sport?
Batminton.
Why should you avoid competing against a vampire?
Because they are always out for blood.
Why did the idea kill the vampire?
It dawned on him.
Why are vampires bad at working out their issues?
Because they have no self-reflection.
I bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business.
I’m the main stakeholder.
Why don’t vampires play poker?
They are afraid of the stakes.
What do vegans and vampires have in common?
They both hate stakes.
Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don’t just say a prayer over every storm cloud, and kill the vampires from above.
Then I realized why there are so many vampires from Europe …
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
Three vampires walk into a bar, the barkeep asks them, “Whadyl’ have tonight, guys?”
The first one says, “I’ll have an A positive.”
Second one says, “That sounds good, I’ll have one too!”
The barkeep asks the third one, “How about you?”
The third vampire says, “Naw, that A positive is too heavy. I’ll have an O negative.”
The barkeep says, “Coming right up – two bloods and a blood light!”
Where do vampire pencils come from?
Pennsylvania.
What kind of supplements do vampires take?
Bite-amins.
What do you call a buffet with lots of garlic?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer.
How do you kill a vampire cow?
You steak it.
My vampire girlfriend dumped me after installing a mirror.
She said she just couldn’t see us together.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What do you call a vampire antelope?
Vlad the Impala.
Where do you get vampire jokes from?
A crypt writer.
Who’s a vampire’s favorite singer?
Glad-it’s Night.
What do you give a vampire with a sore throat?
A coffin drop.
My sister-in-law accidentally won a beauty pageant for vampire hunters.
She’s the new Miss Stake.
My friend was caught stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires.
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Vampire One Liner Jokes
Do beginner vampires go to batting practice?
Are elderly vampires long in the tooth?
Being a vampire really sucks.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
Vampires are always looking for their necks victim.
On reflection, vampires aren’t that scary.
Vampires aren’t real, unless you Count Dracula.
When a vampire has a cold, do they start coffin?
I really want to tell some vampire jokes, but they suck.
Does a vampire prefer his coffee decoffinated?
If vampires have no reflection, how do they do their hair?
The vampire always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Don’t get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
One thing you won’t catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
More Halloween Humor
If you enjoyed this collection of funny vampire puns and vampire jokes, be sure to check out the rest of our Halloween jokes and other Halloween fun too, including these:
More Halloween Fun
For even more Halloween fun, sink your teeth into these fun pages:
