Football Jokes And Puns

These funny football jokes and puns certainly made the cut! You’ll have a field day with them and will get a kick out of them because they’ve sure got game!

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Funny Football Jokes

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she’s sick of it.

I’m quite upset.

We were together for 7 seasons.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama, as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, “So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so. It’s a 16 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry about it Daddy, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.”

“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, Daddy,” replies the president-elect, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington.”

“Honey,” Dad complains, “You know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.”

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sit the new president’s Dad and Mom.

Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.”

The Justice whispers back, “Yes I do.”

Daddy says proudly, “Her brother played football for the University of Alabama.”

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes away.

A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike, Mike.”

“Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike, it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says, “Is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So, what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match!”

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied. “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”

Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped-up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”

“Then I’d be a football fan.”

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play and makes it all the way to the stadium.

He doesn’t have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies: “I don’t know why you all don’t think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing ‘Jose, can you see?'”

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do.

The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, “Man, I wish I could do that.”

His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, “Maybe you’d better pet him first!”

What is the objective of Jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

8 p.m. I get a text from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I text my girlfriend: You of course.

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

It made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.

It’d be like naming a football team the “New York Jets”.

An old married couple is laying in bed when the husband farts.

“Seven points,” he says.

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replies, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tied score.”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tied score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides!”

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face.

He fell to the ground, unconscious.

From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?


John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now”.

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don’t think so”.

“Fine”, the wife sighs, “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right”.

To which John replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don”t think so”.

“Fine”, she says “then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break”

“I’m not a carpenter and i don’t want to fix steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so, I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!”

So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“Honey”, he asks, “How did all this get fixed?”

John’s wife replied, “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”

John asked, “So what kind of cake did you bake?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don’t think so!”

Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?

He heard they needed a little team spirit.

Why was the football stadium so cold?

Because of all the fans.

Why’s it always hot after a football game?

All the fans left.

What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?

The lineman.

Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?

Because it wouldn’t give him his quarterback.

A man is at a sellout football game with an empty seat beside him

The guy behind him notices that the seat is empty and asks why.

“My wife recently passed away. We have season passes and she never missed a game,” the man said.

“I’m very sorry to hear that” replied the man behind him. “Couldn’t you have invited one of your friends to come with you to fill the seat?”

“Oh no!” The man replied. “They’re all at the funeral”.

A knife tried out for Varsity football

He didn’t make the cut.

My dad keeps getting angry at me about that time I put superglue on his football.

He just can’t let it go.

I hate how EA has a monopoly on NFL Football videogames.

It really maddens me.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about football, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:

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