Library Jokes & One Liners

Check out these funny library jokes and puns! We bet you’ve never read any better so be sure to bookmark them for later!

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Best Library Jokes & Puns

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

A blind man walks into a library and asks, “Do you have any books on tape?”

The librarian says, “Yes we do, but it’s not a very interesting subject.”

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Shrodinger’s Cat.

The librarian said, “That rings a bell but I don’t know if it’s here or not.”

A guy walks in to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks, “Hard back?”

The guy replies, “Yeah, little heads too.”

A woman walks into a library and asks if they had any books about paranoia.

The librarian says, “They’re right behind you!”

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.

“Oh yes, quite a few,” the librarian said.

“Sorry to hear that!” I said laughing. “They’ll all be ruined by now!”

I wrote a novel about religious women.

The library put it in the nun fiction section.

A blonde woman walks into a library and says to the lady at the front desk,” I’ll have a cheeseburger, a large fries, and a Pepsi.”

The lady replies, “Ma’am, this is a library.”

The blonde looks around, then whispers, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a large fries, and a Pepsi.”

A dictionary and a thesaurus are in a library.

The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring.

Understandably, the dictionary and thesaurus are both sad.

The thesaurus says to the dictionary, “I can see how distraught you are.”

The dictionary responds, “You don’t even know the meaning of the word.”

The thesaurus then says, “But I know what it’s like.”

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

Why is Kim Jong-un’s library so big?

Because he is the supreme reader.

I was working in a library and this guy comes up to me and asks, “Do you have a bookmark?”

I said, “Yes, we have hundreds, but my name’s Dave.”

My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.

I said it’s for shelf-defense.

I just got a new job at a prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

Why is it impossible to get a reservation in the library?

Because they are always fully booked.

A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian stares at him for a while, then asks, “Who’s gonna bring it back?”

A chicken walks into a library and says, “Bock”.

Because this sound like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way.

Then the next day the chicken returns and says, “Bock bock,” so the librarian hands him two books.

Away he went. On the third day, the chicken returns and says, “Bock bock bock,” so the librarian hands him three books.

And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says, “Bock bock bock bock bock.” After the librarian hands him five books he follows him to see what he’s doing with all these books.

There is a frog sitting across the way that the chicken takes the books to. The librarian, confused but curious, continues to follow the chicken.

The chicken approaches the frog, says, “Bock bock bock bock bock,” and places the five books into the frog’s hands.

The frog responds by tossing each book aside one by one, “Reddit reddit reddit reddit reddit!”

A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied loudly, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded loudly, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear, “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent doesn’t understand and asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moises and Abraham,” replies the old man.

“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.

“I already speak Russian!”

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

Library One Liners

It’s okay to borrow a book from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it.

Bookkeepers are problems for libraries.

Library rules regarding personal hygiene are a matter of lore and odor.

The junior librarian was reincarnated as a bookmark because he always knew his place.

Librarians are always going by the book.

I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon but she said she was all booked up.

The cop said if I didn’t pay my library fine he would have to book me.

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