College jokes reflect the great times students have. College days are some of the best days of your life, a time to study and learn but also to have fun and to laugh. And to drink too, of course!
And if you’re well-schooled in the subject of laughter, then you’ll appreciate these funny college jokes.
An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
“Where did you get such a gread bike?” asks the first engineer.
The second engineer replies, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, just minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, laid on the ground, and said to me that I could take whatever I wanted.”
The second engineer nods approvingly and says, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit anyway.”
I spent my college days in poverty.
I was a flat broke frat bloke.
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class one day when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the student asked.
“To save lives,” replied the professor.
The student thought for a moment and then asked, “So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a while without saying a word.
Finally, he said, “Physics saves lives because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”
I knew a manicurist who went back to college to become a vetenarian.
She was great at giving a pet a cure.
A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smartass guy sat at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The whole class do their best to stifle their laughter but can’t help giggling.
When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
A college student was proudly showing off his new apartment to his friends one night after an evening out drinking.
One of them asked him, “What’s the big brass gong and hammer for?”
“That’s the talking clock”, the student replied.
His friend was confused and asked, “How does it work?”
The student said, “Watch…” and then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off will you, it’s two o’clock in the morning!”
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
A banker was arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s college education.
As the cop, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he asked the banker, “I’ve got just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?”
Why does the sun have no need to go to college?
It already has 27 million degrees.
A young hot-shot broker decides to take a day off from his stressful job and goes back to visit some of his professors at his old school.
As he enters the school he sees a dog attacking a small child.
The broker quickly jumps on the dog and strangles it.
The next day, the local paper runs the story with the headline “Valiant Student Saves Boy From Vicious Dog.”
When the broker sees the paper, he calls the editor of the paper and strongly suggests that a correction be printed, pointing out that he’s no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.
The next day, the paper issues a correction, with a headline saying, “Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot.”
In college I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
The basketball coach storms into the university president’s office and demands an immediate raise.
The president says, “But you already make more than the entire History department.”
The coach says angrily, “Maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with. Watch…”
With that the coach goes into the hall and grabs a jock who’s jogging down the hallway.
He says to him, “Run over to my office and see if I’m there.”
Twenty minutes later the jock comes back, covered in sweat and breathing heavily.
He says to the coach, “You’re not there, sir.”
The president scratches his head as he says, “Oh, I see what you mean. I would have phoned.”
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.
A pretty young college student visited her professor’s office after class one day.
She glanced down the hall, closed the door and knelt before him as she said, “I’d do anything to pass this exam.”
As she leaned even closer, she whispered seductively, “And I mean, anything…”
The professor looked down at her and asked her, “Anything?”
She repeated, “Anything.”
The professor asked again in a quiet voice, “Anything?”
The student smiled, and again said seductively, “Anything at all.”
The professor’s voice turned to a whisper as he asked, “Would… you… study??”
What kind of ships do students study on?
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room said, “Yeah, right.”
Funny College Jokes
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