We bet you can’t wait to sample this collection of funny cooking jokes and puns that we’ve rustled up for you! They’re very tasty!
And remember – if we’ve not dished up your favorite joke about cooking, share it in the comments at the bottom of the page, for everyone to sample.
Funny Cooking Jokes
I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
I used to be a member of the secret cooking society.
But they kicked me out for spilling the beans.
After years of holding out on me, my friend finally told me the secret ingredient in his cooking.
It was about thyme.
I wanted to cook chicken for dinner, but I forgot to take it out of the freezer ahead of time.
It wasn’t a well thawed out plan.
A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
“Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!”
The wife, startled at her husband’s violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!”
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband’s mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
“WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They’re going to stick! HURRY!”
The wife runs to the fridge.
“CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don’t you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DARN EGGS!”
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps “What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs.”
The husband simply smiles, remarks “I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I’m driving with you in the car,” and leaves.
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok.
What is a nice guy’s favorite cooking utensil?
M’Ladle.
Waiter: How would you like your steak cooked, sir?
Me: like I am winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship’s insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic.
Cook: In that case sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.
Dear friends, It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap’n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very “smart” cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he – evenstill, as a crusty old man – was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Did you hear about the new Tom Cruise movie about cooking?
A Few Good Menus.
Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christmas.
I normally cook a turkey, but whatever makes them happy.
Why does Snoop Dogg like cooking with cast iron?
Fo sizzle.
Dad Cooking Jokes
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
A sausage and a piece of bacon were frying jn a pan.
The bacon says, “Sure is hot in here!”
The sausage says, “Holy moly, talking bacon!”
What skill does the wizard cook use most often?
Cast iron pan.
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece.
I tried shallow frying a tree branch once, but it kept slipping out.
Must have been a non-stick pan.
This morning, I saw my wife cooking breakfast in her bedroom slippers.
I wonder why she doesn’t use the frying pan?
How does Lady GaGa like her steak cooked?
Raw raw raw raw raw.
What did the chef say to the boiling water when he was cooking pasta?
Goodbye, you are going to be mist.
Why did the survivalist not want to go to the BBQ?
Because he couldn’t Bear Grylls.
After cooking, I asked my Dad if would carve.
He laid down and gave birth to a tiny cow.
I forgot to buy backing paper.
Looks like my cooking will be foiled again.
My boss is coming for dinner tomorrow and I’d love to cook her my specialty shish kebobs, but I’m afraid I need to be more formal.
I’ll need to make her some shish keroberts.
Why shouldn’t you cook celery with electricity?
You could be risking stalking charges.
I told a joke about cooking, but no one laughed at it.
I guess it didn’t pan out.
What song do chefs listen to while cooking?
Spice Spice Baby.
Why did the chef have to stop cooking?
He ran out of thyme.
Why did the chef put his hand in the hot cooking pot?
Because he was feeling a little chili.
What’s the best day to cook?
Fry-day.
Who cooks pasta perfectly every time?
Al Dente.
Which town in Alabama do bad cooks come from?
Burningham.
How does autocorrect like its burgers cooked?
We’ll done.
How do kleptomaniacs like their eggs cooked?
Poached.
What do you call a zombie that is cooking stir fry?
A dead man wokking.
My friend told me to use herbs in my cooking to add more flavor.
It was sage advice.
I thought it would be hard to cook Chinese food outside.
But it’s been a real wok in the park.
What does a panda use to cook its food with?
A pan. Duh!
When it comes to difficulty in cooking, where would you rank cooking eggs?
Just over easy.
Why was the cannibal so good at cooking elderly couples?
He used an old family recipe.
Why couldn’t the hunter cook breakfast?
The game warden found out he poached his eggs.
What’s the difference between a homeless person and a cook in a convent?
One needs funds and the other feeds nuns.
Jokes About Bad Cooking
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
My girlfriend’s such a bad cook…
She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
I hate to admit it, but my wife’s cooking has seriously improved.
That was best slice of soup I’ve ever had!
This idiot calling himself a “food critic” said my cooking was awful, so I kicked him in the mouth.
He didn’t enjoy the taste of defeat.
I think I overcooked the spaghetti.
It looks like it’s pasta point of no return.
Dad’s making a salad for dinner.
Either that, or the smoke alarm’s broken.
My wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count ’em.
My wife is such a bad cook the mice stole the dental floss from bathroom and hung themselves under the sink.
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she sure broke the dog from begging at the table.
I came home and my wife was crying.
She said the dog ate the meatloaf she cooked.
I told her not to worry about it, I would buy her another dog.
My ex’s cooking was cold and bland.
Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.
I invited my girlfriend over for dinner to have sausages and mash.
I warned her that I’m not a very good cook though.
I wanted her to be prepared for the wurst.
My wife cooked electric eel for dinner.
It was revolting.
My wife is such a bad cook.
Who knew toast had bones?
Cooking Puns
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor.
I have shellfish steamed issues.
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today…
Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They’re both cauldron.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue.
Which is odd because…
Australians usually boo meringue.
What do you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?
An easy bake coven.
I like to cook dangerously.
I take whisks in the kitchen.
Why don’t French chefs use two eggs when cooking omelettes?
Because one is un oeuf.
Let’s taco ’bout how amazing my cooking skills are.
Which friends should you always take out to dinner?
Your taste buds.
What do you call a lawyer who cooks lunch?
A sue chef.
What do you call a magician who’s good at cooking?
A sauceror.
My wife gets a terrible headache whenever I cook with wheat, barley, or rice.
She suffers from my grains.
Why is stir fry never cooked on the ocean?
Because everyone knows you can’t wok on water.
A cook combined alphabet soup with laxatives.
He calls it letter rip.
I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time.
It will be called “Do You Have The Skillet Takes”.
Cooking One Liner Jokes
Do cannibals eat ramen or do they cook them first?
I tried all morning to cook up an egg-related pun, but I couldn’t crack it.
I’m so terrified of asking my wife to clean up after cooking breakfast that I’ve been walking on eggshells all day long.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
How do you want your cooking jokes – rare, medium or well done?
I once tried to do a set of jokes on cooking, but they were universally panned.
The only jokes I have about cooking are half baked at best.
I love cooking with wine; sometimes I even put it in the food.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
I’d prefer it if you didn’t cook eggs for breakfast, but omelette you off this time.
Jokes On Cooking
If you enjoyed this taste of hilarious jokes about cooking, be sure to try out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more really funny jokes, including these:
