You won’t get the cold shoulder when you tell people these funny cannibal jokes and puns! They’re certainly not difficult to digest, even though they’re in bad taste!
Why are cannibals so angry?
They’re fed up with people.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he’s gladiator.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no feet?
Because he was lack toes intolerant.
How does a cannibal say hello?
He offers you a handshake.
What’s a British cannibal’s favorite meal?
Fish and chaps.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the jungle?
Why did the cannibal always introduce his friends to each other?
Because he liked to have people meat.
Some cannibals cooked up a missionary for dinner.
Now, the missionary had helped them out in many ways, but they were hungry and couldn’t resist trying a foreigner for dinner.
As it happened, they got sick after this dinner and were throwing up.
It just goes to show that you can’t keep a good man down.
A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job.
All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten.
I went to a cannibal restaurant last night.
It cost $50 a head.
Two cannibals are standing in front of a campfire when one says to the other, “I hate my mother-in-law”.
The other cannibal says, “That’s okay; just eat the rice.”
A cannibal invites a friend around for dinner.
As they’re tucking into the starter, the guest says, “Wow. Your wife makes a lovely stew.”
“I know,” answers the host. “I sure will miss her.”
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
The other says, “No.”
Son: Mummy, Mummy, I hate Daddy’s guts!
Mother: Be quiet and eat your liver.
What do cannibal hitmen eat?
Take-out food.
Two cannibals are sharing a lost tourist.
“You start at the feet. I’ll start at the head,” says the first.
After a little while he notices his friend hasn’t said much.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Fine,” comes the reply. “I’m having a ball.”
“You’re eating too fast.”
Two cannibal kids at lunch:
First kid: “Mom sure makes good soup!”
Second kid: “Yeah, I’m going to miss her, though.”
What do cannibals ingest to freshen their breath?
Men toes.
What’s a cannibal’s favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
I was going to tell a cannibal joke, but then I decided it would be in bad taste!
I don’t care what vegetarians eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
Where’s my other hand?
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the philanthropic cannibal who wrote a book called “How to Serve Your Fellow Man”?
Do cannibals eat ramen?
Or do they cook them first?
What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?
A food fight.
Did you hear about the beatnik cannibal?
He ate three squares a day.
Why was the cannibal was kicked out of school?
He was caught buttering up the teacher.
What happened when the missionary visited the cannibal tribe?
They got a taste of religion.
Bartender: We don’t serve time travellers in here…
Cannibal: Darn it! Just regular people then.
Two explorers are captured by cannibals and put in a large pot of water over a fire.
As the water gets hotter and hotter, one starts giggling uncontrollably.
The second explorer says, “We’re going to die here and they are going to eat us! What on earth is so funny?”
The first guy says, “I just peed in their soup!”
While walking past the entrance to a cave, one cannibal sees another cannibal frantically gobbling down the many deposits of bat guano on the ground.
“Are you crazy?” he asks. “Why are you eating that?”
The other cannibal pauses from shovelling bat droppings down his throat and explains, “That last guy I ate turned out to be a lawyer and I have to get the taste out of my mouth!”
A trio of explorers were hiking through the Congo and found a small village that was very isolated and not on any map.
The villagers turned out to speak English very well, and informed the adventurers very politely that theirs was a village of cannibals and they were to be cooked and eaten, and their hides tanned and turned into canoes for the villagers, but they would allow them to take their own life however they saw fit.
The first man asks for a sharp knife, slices his wrists open, and mutters, “Lay me down and bleed a while, and ne’er up again.”
The second man asks for his revolver, says “For God and Country!” and shoots himself in the head.
The last man asks for a fork, and stabs himself repeatedly screaming, “Screw your canoe!”
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the dinner guest who arrived late?
“I’m sorry, everyone’s eaten.”
Why does Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch?
To greet visitors with a handshake.
Jeffrey Dahmer’s parents came to visit.
At dinner, his mother said, “I’m afraid I really don’t like your neighbors.”
“That’s Ok, Mom, just eat your vegetables.”
Did you know that when the police were processing Jeffrey Dahmer’s apartment crime scene, in addition to the torso in the fridge they found a Tupperware in the freezer with 3 little boy noses in it.
No one could figure out why he’d be saving the noses of his victims, until finally a psychiatrist put two and two together.
“You know,” he said, “These serial killers can be pretty twisted; I bet he was trying to collect enough to make … a Dahmernose pizza!”
How did the Roman feel when he cannibalized his nagging wife?
Glad-he-ater.
What did the cannibal choose as his last meal?
Five guys.
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
What do cannibals call short people?
Snacks.
What’s a cannibal’s favorite kind of noodle?
Rawmen.
The chief looked out of the window of his hut, and saw his sons having a game of cricket with the missionaries’ sons.
“Boys,” he called, “I’ve told you before. Don’t play with your food.”
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
The cannibal chief sent away for a golden chair where he could sit on important tribal occasions.
In between ceremonies the golden chair was stored in the attic of the chief’s grass hut.
One day the ceiling collapsed and the chair fell through.
It fell on the chief, killing him instantly.
Which goes to prove the old saying:
“People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.”
My son asked today, “Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered, “Why would you think that?”
He said, “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating himself?
He was so full of himself.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
What’s a cannibal’s favorite snack?
A knuckle sandwich.
What do you call a class that teaches how to cook and eat people?
A cannibal lecture.
Two cannibals are chatting and the first cannibal says, “I killed and ate a missionary yesterday, but I think he gave me an upset stomach.”
The second cannibal says, “That’s too bad. How’d you cook him?”
The first cannibal says, “Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always.”
The second cannibal says, “Makes sense. And what did he look like?”
The first cannibal says, “The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals.”
And the second cannibal says, “Well there’s your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar.”
Cannibal son, during dinner: Mom, I have to tell you something. I don’t like grandpa.
Cannibal mom: Then try the potatoes instead.
After many years of traveling the globe, an explorer was recently eaten by cannibals.
He died as he lived, a seasoned traveler.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his butt.
“Mom, this meat tastes funny!”
“Leave it on the plate and eat the rest of the clowns.”
A cannibal and a vegetarian go to lunch.
They both order a Danish.
It’s tough to swallow your pride.
Unless you are a cannibal lion.
I was telling a friend about the time a cannibal took my sister to see a Russel Crowe movie…
He asked, “Gladiator?”
I replied, “No, I really miss her…”
Cannibal is an ate letter word.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
One says to the other, “I think we got this joke wrong.”
Save the cows, eat a vegetarian!
Why won’t cannibals eat redheads?
They don’t want gingervitis.
Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?
Because he got cold feet.
How did the cannibal plead guilty?
“Well, if you are what you eat, then I’m an innocent man!”
Why was the cannibal’s Chinese restaurant shut down?
For human rice violations.
Cannibals took the phrase, “You are what you eat” a bit too seriously.
What do you call a cannibal social gathering?
A meat and eat.
What is a cannibal’s favorite part of a party?
The finger food.
What do you call an Italian cannibal?
A cannibaloni.
Did you hear about the psychic who was captured by cannibals?
They had to very carefully prepare to eat him for the tribal feast.
Because very rarely is a medium well done.
Every truck is a food truck…
If you’re a cannibal.
What does a cannibal call a man in a hammock?
Breakfast in bed.
What do you call a cannibal bee?
Hannibal Nectar.
Does Hannibal Lecter like to rollerblade?
No, he’s more of a shoulderblader.
Me: You’re tearing this family apart.
Hannibal Lecter: Yeah, sorry, I haven’t eaten all day. Did you want some?
What did the narcissist say to the cannibal?
“I’m kinda a big meal.”
What did the cannibal say when someone asked how old is son was?
“He was at a tender age.”
What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?
A vegetarian.
What happens when a tribe of cannibals run out of food?
They make their own.
Two cannibals sat by a fire.
The first one says, “I’m going to become a vegan”.
The other one says, “Me too.”
The first one says, “You do realise we have totally messed up this joke now it won’t be funny.”
The other one says, “Yeah, well that’s vegans for you.”
What do cannibals call unvaccinated children?
Organic food.
A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire talking.
One turns to the other and asks, “Do you like children?”
The other replies, “Yeah they are okay but there isn’t much meat on them.”
A cannibal cookbook: 101 Ways To Serve Your Fellow Man.
What dating app do cannibals use?
Tender.
I went to a cannibal wedding.
The groom toasted the bridesmaids, the best man toasted the bride and groom and the father of the bride toasted absent friends.
It was a helluva barbecue.
Why don’t cannibals eat left-handed people?
They don’t taste right.
Cannibals will never go hungry.
They can always make themselves a snack.
More Funny Jokes
If you liked these funny puns and jokes about cannibals, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these: