Retirement jokes are funny and old age is certainly a funny thing too. Our bodies start to ache in strange places, hairs start growing out of even stranger places, and our memories start to fade. On the plus side, we get to retire and enjoy a life of leisure.
Here's a collection of funny retirement jokes to celebrate that special time of life.
Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?
To keep them from rolling out of the bed.
These two old guys from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "You know, I'm 85 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains all the time. I feel like I'm falling apart.. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
The second old guy replies, "You know, I feel just like a newborn baby."
The first old guy says, "Really! Like a newborn baby?"
The second old guy says, "Yeah - no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
You know you're old when people ring you at 9pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
This old, retired couple went to see the doctor.
The old man said, "We want to know if we're making love properly. Will you look at us and tell us if we're doing it right?"
"Sure, go ahead," said the doctor.
So the old couple made passionate love and afterwards the doctor said, "You're making love perfectly. That will be $10."
A week later the old couple came back and did the same thing. This went on for 6 more weeks.
On the seventh visit the doctor finally asked them, "Why do you keep coming here like this? I told you the first time that you're making love properly!"
The old man explained, "She can't come to my house, and I can't go to her house. A motel costs $20. You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."
Why did the prostitute retire?
Because she screwed up.
The doctor is doing his monthly rounds of the Alzheimer's patients at the retirement home. He sees Old Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?"
Joe replies, "73."
The doctor then goes over to Bill and asks him, "Bill, how much is three times three?"
Bill replies, "Wednesday."
Finally, the doctor goes over to Jim and says, "Jim, how much is three times three?"
"Nine." replies Jim.
The doctor is surprised and says to Jim, "That's right. How did you come to that answer?"
Jim replies, "It was easy. I just subtracted 73 from Wednesday."
Why did the butcher retire?
He got cut off in his prime.
Three little old ladies were sitting on a bench in garden of their retirement home reminiscing about the old days.
The first little old lady recalled shopping at the greengrocers and used her hands to demonstrate the length and thickness of a cucumber she used to be able to buy for a penny.
The second little old lady nodded in agreement, saying that onions also used to be much bigger and cheaper than nowadays, and she also used her hands to demonstrate the size of the two big onions she used to be able to buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady watched this and said, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Why did the burglar retire?
He just couldn't take it any more.
I walked into my grandparents house today and much to my surprise I caught my Grandpa making love to a beautiful young blonde woman on the sofa.
"What are you doing, Grandpa!" I shouted, "You promised me you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed!"
"I did," he said, "Doesn't your Grandma look great!?"
Why did the astronaut retire?
He got spaced out.
I was talking to my parents the other day and they said, "Son, you're thirty years old now and we think it's time you had your own place. We've just paid off our mortgage and we'd like to enjoy our retirement. Do you understand?"
"That's fair enough," I replied, "I completely understand."
So first thing tomorrow, I'm going to start looking for a nursing home for them.
Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Joe's house one evening when George loses $500 on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.
Bill asks, "Who's going to go and tell his wife?"
None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.
Harry draws a three and loses so he's the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.
Harry says, "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet - discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem."
He drives over to George's house and knocks on the door. George's wife answers and asks Harry what he wants.
Harry replies, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost $500 playing cards and is afraid to come home. He's asked me to come over here and apologize to you."
George's wife is mad and shouts, "You tell him I said drop dead!".
Harry doesn't bat an eyelid and says, "Ok, I'll go tell him."
Today, as he retires, we would like to thank Harry for his long years of unfailing service to our company.
Harry is a man who doesn't know the meaning of impossible task, who doesn't know the meaning of lunch break, who doesn't understand the meaning of the word no.
So we've clubbed together and bought him a dictionary.
Three old retired guys were playing golf one day. Each of them had started to suffer from hearing loss as they got older.
The first old guy says to the second, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," replies the second guy, "it's Thursday."
At which point the third old guy says, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
I'm a retired gynecologist but occasionally I'll do the odd appointment at a local surgery.
You know... just to keep my hand in.
These three old retired guys were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years time.
The first old guy says, "I'd like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business.'"
The second old guy then says, "Fifty years from now, I want my grandchildren to say, 'He was a faithful and loving family man.'"
The first old guy then turns to the third and asks him, "So what do you want your grandchildren to say about you in fifty years time?"
The third old guy replies "Me? I just want them all to say, 'He looks good for his age!'"