Therapist Jokes

You won’t need any counselling after reading these funny therapist jokes! After all, laughter is the best therapy!

Header image for a page of funny therapist jokes and puns.

Funny Therapist Jokes And Puns

I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head.

He said, “Tell me more”.

My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.

I’ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin, to draw out excess moisture…

Wow! I’m cured.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters!

Therapist: You are?

Me: [screams]

Therapist: I see.

The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?”

My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.”

I said, “My truck.”

My grief counsellor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn’t care.

On the way to the therapist, I said to my wife, “You’re going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”

She said, “Yeah.”

I said, “I knew it!”

The therapist said I can get over my fear of buffets…

But first, I’ve got to want to help myself .

A man is talking with his therapist.

The therapist says, “It seems you have a severe phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?”

The man replies, “Can’t say I do.”

The therapist says, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”

Everyone at my therapist’s office hates it when I stand on one corner of the room and blow air at people.

But I’m a big fan.

I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”

She said, “I’m glad that you’re finally battling your Damons.”

My massage therapist got fired.

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

Why do male llamas go to a therapist?

Their women are such llama queens.

Why did the massage therapist have no friends?

She rubbed people the wrong way.

A therapist was with a client when another client burst in and said, “Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having a nightmare that I’m stuck inside a deck of cards.”

The therapist looked at him calmly and said, “I’m with another client. I’ll deal with you later.”

What did the skier say to the therapist?

My life is going downhill.

Why did the Latino man go to the therapist?

To talk about Hispanic attacks.

Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.

Therapist: Why?

Patient: Yes!

The therapist said to me, “Your wife has complained that you never buy her flowers, what do you say to that?”

I said, “To be honest, I had no idea my wife even sold flowers.”

My therapist refused to help me with my fear of backing up my car.

She said she would under no circumstances perform reverse psychology.

Studies show regular patients of chiropractors are less likely to need to see therapists due to being so well adjusted.

What did the therapist say to the depressed dog?

Life is ruff.

My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.

My therapist said I’m lack toes intolerant.

My dad is a Star Wars fan and my parents are in couples therapy over it.

Therapist: So why do you want to end your marriage?

Mom: I’m sick of all of the Star Wars puns.

Dad: Divorce is strong with this one.

My new therapist is British; the first thing he asked me was…

UK?

Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys.

Therapist: Tell me why.

Me: Screams!

My therapist tells me I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We’ll see about that.

I went to the therapist after my phone died.

I just needed an outlet.

My therapist just told me that my exhibitionism addiction is incurable.

I’ll show her.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

[At the therapist] Her: He’s always trying to jeopardize our relationship.

Therapist: And how do you respond to that?

Me: I’ll take “My wife is being a big baby” for $600, Alex.

My therapist warned me that I’m getting addicted to downhill skiing.

She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”

Patient (at a therapist): I keep having these dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then a teepee; then a wigwam. It’s making me crazy. What’s wrong with me?

Therapist: You need to relax. You’re two tents.

What do you call a massage therapist who believes men are inherently better than women?

A massaginist.

I’m seeing a therapist for my kleptomania.

I’m taking away something valuable from each session.

My wife: He’s always mixing up common phrases!

Therapist: What if you are misinterpreting him?

Me: Ooh! Check you out for playing devil’s avocado.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these hilarious jokes about therapists and therapy, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these: