Funny Insurance Jokes
Insurance is not normally a laughing matter and jokes and humor are not something that is usually associated with the insurance business. However, there is always laughter to be found somewhere and so here is a collection of our favorite funny insurance jokes and one liners.
And if you enjoy our insurance jokes, you’re sure to love our page of genuine funny car insurance claims here.
They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.
A whole life policy eventually matures.
The museum curator said to him, “That’s a six hundred year old statue that you’ve broken!”
The insurance agent replied, “Thank God for that! I thought it was a new one.”
An actuary looks at his shoes when he talks to you. An accountant looks at your shoes.
The doctor said that as God created Eve from Adam’s rib, and this of course was a surgical procedure, so being a doctor must be the oldest profession.
But the engineer replied that before that, God had created order out of chaos, which was an engineering feat and so engineering must be the oldest profession.
The actuary asked, “Yeah, but who created the chaos?”
I asked him if he had any proof of purchase.
“No, sorry” he replied.
So then I asked him if he had any photographs of the items prior to the fire.
“Sorry, no I don’t” he replied.
So I asked him, “But then how do I know that this isn’t some sort of scam?”
He took out his wallet, reached in and pulled out a picture of his wife and showed it to me.
I didn’t even charge him his excess.
Straight away, this guy runs up to him and says angrily, “Hey! You take that back right now!”
The drunk sneers and asks, “Why, are you an agent?”
The man replies, “No, I’m a crook.”
I said, “As you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108 year old man has died in the last five years.
You’re never covered as much as you think you are.
The agent said, “Yes, I know, I’m all of them.”
The first company comes up with the slogan: “Coverage from the cradle to the grave.”
The second company is impressed but nonetheless tries to better it with: “Coverage from the womb to the tomb.”
Not wanting to be outdone, the third company thinks long and hard before coming up with the slogan: “From the sperm to the worm.”
The fourth insurance company really struggles to better this and spends ages trying to think of something. They had almost given up when they finally came up with: “From the erection to the resurrection.”
The driver replies, “How do I know? I’m not a lawyer.”
He asked the client how his grandfather died.
The client replied, “He died quietly in his sleep… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
The underwriter replied, “Well, whenever I hit a problem, no matter how impossible it might seem, I just take a look at your photo and the problem just goes away.”
The underwriter replied “Yes, I just take a look at your picture and then I say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be greater than this one?'”
They took it literally.
Actuary’ Brains….. $7/lb
Loss Control Brains….. $10/lb
Underwriters’ Brains….. $15/lb
Claims Adjusters’ Brains ….$30/lb
Insurance Executives’ Brains…. $90/lb
When he read the sign, the traveller exclaimed, “My, those insurance executives’ brains really must be something special!”
The butcher replied, “Are you kidding me! Do you have any idea how many of them we have to kill to get a pound of brains?”
She said, “I had that storage place insured for sixty thousand dollars and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Well just a minute, Ma’am, because unfortunately it doesn’t work quite like that. First, we will determine the value of the old store and provide you with a new one of equivalent value.”
Sue paused for a minute and then said, “Well, if that’s is the case, I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband!”
“You only care about my inheritance”, she shouted.
“It’s not that”, I replied, “but why would you spend your savings on a cremation when we could just set the house on fire after you die and get some insurance money along the way?
The genie said, “Hmm, there are three of you and I usually only grant three wishes so I’ll just give you one wish each.”
The admin clerk was very excited and said, “Me first! Me first! I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
There was another puff of smoke and she disappeared.
Then the genie said to the manager, “Ok, it’s your turn now.”
The manager replied, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
The moral of the story? Always let your boss have the first say.
“Wow, well it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” replied Mr. Jones, who was a little taken aback. “You know I lodge lots of claims and I always pay my premiums late.”
The insurance manager said, “Yes, I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred.”
The salesman asked him why. The guy was embarrassed but after a moment explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman thought about this for a moment and then said, “Just put: ‘Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'”
When the time comes for them to be executed, the first man walks forward and puts his head in the guillotine. The executioner drops the blade but miraculously it stops just millimetres above the man’s neck. The king says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job then you must be declared free so you are free to go.”
So the relieved man gets up and walks away and the second man comes forward to take his place. Again, the blades stops millimetres above the man’s neck. The king says again, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job then you must declared free so you are free to go.”
So, the second man gets up and walks away a free, and very relieved, man. The third man, who happens to be an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine. Then he looks up and says, “I think I see what the problem is…”
The second actuary’s shot is twenty feet wide to the left.
The actuaries high five each other, because on average they shot it.
A. How many did it take last year?
The woman was confused and asked, “What do you mean?”.
The woman thought about it for a minute, then brightened up and said, “Probably a poodle.”
It just so happens that he has an accountant as a neighbor who watches him collect the eggs every day.
One day, one of the hens gets out of its cage and lays the egg in the accountant’s back yard.
The actuary sees this and challenges the accountant over ownership of the egg. They have a fierce argument, and finally the actuary offers to settle it in a contest, saying “We will take turns in kicking each other where it hurts, and whoever takes the least time to get up wins the egg.”
The accountant agrees, and they decide that the actuary gets to go first. He goes into his house and puts on his steel capped boots, and when he comes back out he takes a run at the accountant and kicks for his life, right where it hurts the most.
The accountant collapses on the floor and rolls around in sheer agony. Finally, he hobbles to his feet after about half an hour.
“Right now it’s my turn,” he says with some relish as starts to prepare himself for his go.
The actuary says, “Nah, you keep the egg.”
I said, “I can’t swim.”
I got the job.
“Have you ever had an accident?” the agent asked.
“Nope,” replied the cowboy.
“What? Not even one?” asked the agent incredulously.
“Nope,” the cowboy insisted firmly. “A rattler did bite me once, though.”
“And don’t you call that an accident?” said the agent.
“Nope; the danged varmint done it a-purpose.”
Insurance Jokes One Liners
Funny Insurance Jokes
If you enjoyed our selection of funny insurance jokes and one liners then why not check out the rest of our site for more laughs and really funny jokes, such as these: