Haunted House Jokes

You can trace the origins of the haunted house right back to 19th century London! Scary, aren’t they? But don’t worry because we found room to bring you our favorite funny haunted house jokes and puns! Don’t be scared to share them with your friends – it won’t come back to haunt you if you do!

Header image for a page of haunted house jokes and puns.

Funny Haunted House Jokes And Puns

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I’ve been to this place for the last 271 years and haven’t seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

What unlocks a haunted house?


A couple were interested in buying a haunted house.

The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price.

However, the couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet.

The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs.

The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time.

Growing impatient, the couple asked her, “What’s upstairs?”

“Not much, what’s up with you?” replied the stairs.

Have you heard about the haunted house shortage?

Seems like a lot of people are running out of them.

A man moves into a haunted house.

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist.

A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around.

The man was grateful for the priest’s help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him.

The priest says, “Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we’ll repossess your house.”

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70’s music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

“Whenever one door closes, another opens.”

“Wow, you must be very optimistic about life.”

“No, I live in a haunted house.”

What do you use to plan a haunted house?

Boo prints.

I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties.

But I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?

I hate French haunted houses.

They give me the crepes.

I was trying to pick my favorite scare from a haunted house.

But nothing really jumped out at me.

Why did 4 not go to the haunted house?

Because he was 2 squared.

What will you never find in a haunted house?

A living room.

What happened to the drum when he went into the haunted house?

He got snared.

Who wrote the book ‘The Haunted House Story’?

Hugo First.

I was going to buy the world’s most haunted house. I toured it, but it seemed like a normal house.

Nothing jumped out at me.

Three boys went into a haunted house for a dare one dark Halloween’s evening. One of them brought a knife, one brought a gun and the other brought some cough drops.

They crept in to the house. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare.

Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seemed to push back.

They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan.


It seemed to come from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on.

They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, “ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU” but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.


They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, “We’re going down there.” Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evilly under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.


Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?


In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and disease! Brutish, incorrect lengths had been forced together, buckling the wood and bulging the steel at points, as if death, itself, were attempting to escape. It was festooned with beast-like emblems and decrepid artifacts: skulls, antlers, skins, totems, and drenched in the color of blood!

It was TRUE! The house really was haunted!


Now the boys realized with sheer horror that the insane moaning was definitely coming from the coffin!

Before the boys could turn and run, the coffin began to shake! They froze.

Then it suddenly LIFTED off the ground! They gaped in terror!

Shaking violently and rising, the coffin started to turn. It turned and turned, and gained speed. It was spinning in the air before them! A mix of terror and fascination gripped them. Unable to look away. Unable to run. It spun faster and faster AND FASTER!


The first boy with the knife slashed in the air in front of him, as if to stab away at the evil! Then he dropped the knife and ran back up the stairs, never to be seen again.

The second boy with the gun fired warning shots at the ceiling BANG! BANG!, but then thought better of it, dropped his gun and also ran up the stairs, and also was never to be seen again.

The third boy stood there calmly, reached into his pocket and popped a cough drop into his mouth. He sucked on it for a bit.

And the coffin stopped.

I just met the girl of my dreams.

Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have bought a haunted house.

More Halloween Fun

If you enjoyed these funny haunted house jokes and puns, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more Halloween jokes and other Halloween fun, for example:

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