Funny Relationship Quotes

Personal relationships are important at all ages of our lives. And just between the two of us, you’re sure to have an instant connection with these funny relationship quotes and sayings! In fact, we think you’ll fall in love with them at first sight. So here’s a great collection of all our favorite funny relationship quotes.

A collection of funny relationship quotes

32 Funny Relationship Quotes

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.

Lucille Ball

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

Oscar Wilde

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

Will Ferrell

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

Roseanne Barr

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.

Richard Jeni

A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.

Mae West

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Woody Allen

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henry Youngman

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

Relationships are basically just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat, until one of them dies.


Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.

Ronny Shakes

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.

Frederick Ryder

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.

Linda Festa

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Chris Rock

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Agatha Christie

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.

Bobby Kelton

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.

Lewis Grizzard

When I want to end a relationship I just say, “You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Rita Rudner

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.

Henry Winkler

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?

Jarod Kintz

It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.

Nick Hornby

The Venn diagram of boys who don’t like smart girls and boys you don’t wanna date is a circle.

John Green

If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.

Johnny Depp

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

Marian Keyes

Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.

Helen Fielding

More Funny Quotes

If you liked these funny relationship quotes, we think you’ll love the rest of our funny quotes and sayings too, including our marriage quotes and our sex quotes as well as these:

More Relationships Humor