Funny Quotes About Men

We men are often the brunt of some disdain from the female of the species and quite rightly so! Of course, with our good senses of humor, it’s not a problem… So both men and women can enjoy these funny quotes about men! Enjoy!

A collection of really funny quotes about men

44 Funny Quotes About Men

Macho does not prove mucho.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.

Jilly Cooper

I don’t mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get.

Ruth Buzzi

It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my men.

Mae West

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Rita Rudner

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Mae West

No nice men are good at getting taxis.

Katharine Whitehorn

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren’t looking, they notice her breasts.

Conan O’Brien

I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on believing that some men are my equals.

Brigid Brophy

Men don’t get cellulite. God just might be a man.

Rita Rudner

I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.

Mae West

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Timothy Leary

I married beneath me. All women do.

Nancy Astor

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Rita Rudner

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

Dorothy Parker

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Mae West

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.

Rita Rudner

The first time Adam had a chance, he laid the blame on women.

Nancy Astor

Women have their faults, men have only two: everything they say, everything they do.


Beware of men who cry. It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own.

Nora Ephron

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Rita Rudner

Women want mediocre men, and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.

Margaret Mead

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself – like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.

Jean Kerr

The only place men want depth in a woman is in her decolletage.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes.

Oscar Wilde

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Rita Rudner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Elaine Boosler

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

George Carlin

You educate a man; you educate a man. You educate a woman; you educate a generation.

Brigham Young

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.

Elizabeth Peters

Women want love to be a novel. Men, a short story.

Daphne du Maurier

In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

Margaret Thatcher

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams

Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is this. Men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget.

Robert Jordan

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”

Conan O’Brien

Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.


I’d never seen men hold each other. I thought the only thing they were allowed to do was shake hands or fight.

Rita Mae Brown

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from.

Mae West

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealings with men.

Joseph Conrad

Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.

Lady Gaga

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

Winston Churchill

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

John Lennon

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

Neil Gaiman

Funny Men Quotes

If you enjoyed these funny quotes about men, why not check out all our other funny quotes and sayings too, including these: