Funny Family Quotes & Sayings

You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. Which means you’re stuck with them, love them or hate them. Either way, at least you can join us in laughing at these funny family quotes. Enjoy!

A collection of funny quotes about family

Funny Family Quotes

You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.


When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

Emo Phillips

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Chelsea Handler

If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present”and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.

Robert Brault

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

George Carlin

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

Wayne Huizenga

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

Whether family life is physically harmful is still in dispute. The incidence of men who go down with a coronary upon learning that their teenage daughters are in the pudding club is indisputably higher among family men than among those who have never indulged; so is indigestion, backache, alcoholism, and going purple in the face when the bath is full of tights and knickers.

Keith Waterhouse

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.

Cary Grant

One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.

Ogden Nash

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended – and not to take a hint when a hint is not intended.

Robert Frost

A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.

H. L. Mencken

If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.

Ashleigh Brilliant

The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to.

Dodie Smith

My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called “Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film”.

Penelope Lombard

The families of one’s friends are always a disappointment.

Norman Douglas

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Erma Bombeck

Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or  ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.

Delia Ephron

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

George Bernard Shaw

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

W. C. Fields

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

Jeff Foxworthy

Bleeding ulcers run in my family. We give them to each other.

Lois McMaster Bujold

A family is a unit composed not only of children, but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Ogden Nash

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

Evan Esar

Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie – not perfect but who’s complaining?

Robert Brault

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

Lewis Grizzard

Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl – no superior alternative has yet been found.

Winston Churchill

I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?

Jeff Lindsay

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

Jerry Seinfeld

Never judge someone by their relatives.

Charles Martin

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

Friedrich Nietzsche

The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.

Nancy Mitford

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

Bertrand Russell

If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange. It’s a circle of sections, held together but separable – each segment distinct.

Letty Cottin Pogrebin

I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.

Ugo Betti

Having a big family around is a good way to make sure there will always be someone to answer the phone – and forget the message.


Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Gracie Allen

Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.

Francis Bacon

Funny Quotes About Family

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