You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. Which means you’re stuck with them, love them or hate them. Either way, at least you can join us in laughing at these funny family quotes. Enjoy!
Funny Family Quotes
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Unknown
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
Emo Phillips
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler
If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present”and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.
Robert Brault
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.
Wayne Huizenga
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Whether family life is physically harmful is still in dispute. The incidence of men who go down with a coronary upon learning that their teenage daughters are in the pudding club is indisputably higher among family men than among those who have never indulged; so is indigestion, backache, alcoholism, and going purple in the face when the bath is full of tights and knickers.
Keith Waterhouse
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
Cary Grant
One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.
Ogden Nash
The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended – and not to take a hint when a hint is not intended.
Robert Frost
A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.
H. L. Mencken
If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.
Ashleigh Brilliant
The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to.
Dodie Smith
My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called “Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film”.
Penelope Lombard
The families of one’s friends are always a disappointment.
Norman Douglas
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck
Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.
Delia Ephron
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields
For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
Jeff Foxworthy
Bleeding ulcers run in my family. We give them to each other.
Lois McMaster Bujold
A family is a unit composed not only of children, but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Ogden Nash
Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.
Evan Esar
Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie – not perfect but who’s complaining?
Robert Brault
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
Lewis Grizzard
Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl – no superior alternative has yet been found.
Winston Churchill
I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?
Jeff Lindsay
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
Jerry Seinfeld
Never judge someone by their relatives.
Charles Martin
Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
Friedrich Nietzsche
The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.
Nancy Mitford
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
Bertrand Russell
If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange. It’s a circle of sections, held together but separable – each segment distinct.
Letty Cottin Pogrebin
I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.
Ugo Betti
Having a big family around is a good way to make sure there will always be someone to answer the phone – and forget the message.
Unknown
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Gracie Allen
Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.
Francis Bacon
Funny Quotes About Family
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