Enjoy these funny marriage quotes that sum up what it means to be married in a humorous and good-natured (if sometimes a little embittered!) way.
Whether you’re already wed, soon to be so, or resolutely and defiantly single and believe marriage is out-dated, we’re sure you’ll find them funny.
57 Funny Marriage Quotes
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we have separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
Ann Bancroft
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henry Youngman
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.
Jean Kerr
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
Max Kauffmann
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
Isadora Duncan
Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.
Minnie Pearl
Marriage is the price men pay for sex. Sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Unknown
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
H.L. Mencken
Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly
To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Ogden Nash
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.
Mae West
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Marilyn Monroe
A man’s friends like him but leave him as he is. His wife loves him and is always trying to turn him into somebody else.
G. K. Chesterton
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason – there’s a reason.
Molly McGee
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
Grace Hansen
The trouble was, I went into marriage with both eyes closed – her father closed one and her brother closed the other.
Max Kauffmann
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
Sigmund Freud
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Red Skelton
We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.
Henry Youngman
There’s nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It’s a thing no married man knows anything about.
Oscar Wilde
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
Rita Rudner
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
George Bernard Shaw
Marriage is not a word, but a sentence.
Unknown
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Stephen Leacock
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Helen Rowland
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Phillip
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.
Cher
How marriage ruins a man. It’s as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
Oscar Wilde
Every woman should marry – and no man.
Benjamin Disraeli
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.
Eddie Cantor
The other night I said to my wife Ruth, “Do you feel that the sex and excitement has gone out of our marriage?” Ruth said, “I’ll discuss it with you during the next commercial.”
Milton Berle
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.
Mickey Rooney
Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
Ogden Nash
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
Bob Hope
I don’t know if my husband dreams in color, but he snores in Dolby.
Melanie White
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
Joey Adams
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
Wendy Liebman
I finally got married, and I have fun introducing my bride as “my first wife.” For some reason she doesn’t think that’s funny.
David Roth
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
Raymond Hull
We do not squabble, fight or have rows. We collect grudges. We’re in an arms race, storing up warheads for the domestic Armageddon.
Hugh Leonard
Wedlock: the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly burly of the chaise longue.
Mrs Patrick Campbell
The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.
Bertrand Russell
Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
Oscar Wilde
Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.
Janet Periat
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henry Youngman
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie
Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.
Elbert Hubbard
My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they’ll never get all the pennies out of the pot.
Armistead Maupin
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
Marie Corelli
Hilarious Quotes About Marriage
If you found these funny marriage quotes amusing, you will also enjoy our other funny quotes collections, including our quotes about sex, as well as these:
