Funny Father’s Day Quotes

Father’s Day is a day to recognize all the wonderful Dads out there. And of course, fathers love a joke and a laugh – they’re not called “Dad jokes” for nothing!

And so with that in mind, here’s a selection of truly hilarious Father’s Day quotes. Enjoy!

A selection of funny Father's Day quotes to help celebrate his special day with humor

35 Funny Father’s Day Quotes

Even though I’m proud my Dad invented the rear-view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Stewart Francis

Just once on Father’s Day I wish my kids would give me a #1 Dad mug instead of one with my actual ranking.

Andy Borowitz

Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

David Letterman

You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

Jerry Sienfeld

I got my dad one of those typical Father’s Day cards. You know, with a picture of a hunting coat hanging on a peg, a duck decoy and some golf clubs leaning in the corner. Perfect card for him, because there’s nothing Dad loves more than going out in the woods on a frosty morning and beating ducks to death with a 4-iron.

Daniel Liebert

A father carries pictures where his money used to be.


Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

Jimmy Fallon

I tried to get my Dad what he really wants for Father’s Day, but Jennifer Lawrence wouldn’t return my calls.

Melanie White

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

The only Father’s Day tradition in my family is the annual conversation he and I have where I say, “Hey, Dad, what do you want for Father’s Day this year?” and he says, “Nothing.” Then I ask my Mom what I should get him and she says, “He likes Sandalwood soap, dangly jewelry and Chanel No 5 perfume.”

Michael Showalter

Happy Father’s Day, Dad! I wouldn’t trade you for anything. Of course, nobody’s offered me anything.

Melanie White

The message of Mother’s Day is “Mothers are amazingly good at mothering! They deserve a special day!” Whereas the message of Father’s Day is: “We’re only doing this because we have Mother’s Day.”

Dave Barry

When you’re young, you think your Dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.

Dave Attell

To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

Ernest Hemingway

When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet until my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long on the toilet? Because he’s not sure he wants to be a father.

Louis C.K.

There should be a children’s song “If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep.”

Jim Gaffigan

For Father’s Day we got my Dad a t-shirt that says “Do Not Resuscitate.” He wears it whenever mom takes him to the ballet.

Greg Tamblyn

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Rita Rudner

I got my Dad a GPS for Father’s Day. Now someone other than my mom can tell him where to go.

Melanie White

My daughter got me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.

Bob Odenkirk

I have mixed emotions when I receive my Father’s Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me. I’m disappointed they think I dress like that.

Mike Dugan

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

Ray Romano

On Father’s Day, I’m doing something for my Dad that he’s wanted for years. I’m getting a job.

Melanie White

Me and my Dad used to play tag. He’d drive.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Jack Handey

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good Daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

Jeff Foxworthy

I’ve never been totally sold on the concept of Father’s Day. For one thing, it was officially declared a national holiday by Richard Nixon, so it might not even be legal.

Dave Barry

I enjoy Father’s Day. It’s a time when I pause to reflect on the joy that has come into my life thanks to my two wonderful children, whose names escape me.

Dave Barry

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

At the very least, Father’s Day should mean unlimited channel surfing.

Melanie White

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

Jon Stewart

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’

Erma Bombeck

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

Harry S. Truman

On the perfect Father’s Day there would be just Dad, wearing his oldest surviving undershorts, free of pressure, maybe just sitting in front of the TV, watching the NBA finals.

There would be no conversation, other than Dad periodically observing that these players today could carry the ball across Montana and never get called for traveling.

Of course, that’s not all. You’d also make a restaurant reservation, and at the end of the day, you’d dress up and go out and have a nice dinner, during which you’d propose a toast to Dad.

Who would be back home, in front of the TV, happily asleep in his veteran underwear.

Dave Barry

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Bill Cosby

Funny Quotes About Father’s Day

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