25 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Thanksgiving is a time for entertaining family, tradition and eating. And all those things lend themselves very well to humor, so it’s no surprise there are so many funny Thanksgiving quotes and sayings around. So to help you celebrate with laughter, here’s a selection of our favorites that sum up all that’s best and worst about the meaning of the holiday.

Celebrate with laughter this year with these 25 funny Thanksgiving quotes.

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Jon Stewart

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Johnny Carson

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.
Rita Rudner

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
George Carlin

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
Stephen Colbert

Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook.
Melanie White

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.
Kevin James

I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.
Howie Mandel

For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.
Andy Borowitz

It wasn’t easy telling my family that I’m gay. I made my carefully worded announcement at Thanksgiving. It was very Norman Rockwell. I said, “Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?” She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed.
Bob Smith

Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.
P. J. O’Rourke

I love Thanksgiving turkey. It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.”
Dylan Brody

The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. “Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?” “But we do that every day!” “Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?”
Jim Gaffigan

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
Erma Bombeck

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
Irv Kupcinet

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.
Melanie White

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Jay Leno

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck

I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Craig Ferguson

You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
Stephen Colbert

Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.
Augusten Burroughs

Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.
George Carlin

Thanksgiving Day, a function which originated in New England two or three centuries ago when those people recognized that they really had something to be thankful for – annually, not oftener – if they had succeeded in exterminating their neighbors, the Indians, during the previous twelve months instead of getting exterminated by their neighbors, the Indians. Thanksgiving Day became a habit, for the reason that in the course of time, as the years drifted on, it was perceived that the exterminating had ceased to be mutual and was all on the white man’s side, consequently on the Lord’s side; hence it was proper to thank the Lord for it and extend the usual annual compliments.
Mark Twain

More Funny Quotes

If you enjoyed these funny Thanksgiving quotes and sayings, make sure you also have a look at all our other funny quotes and sayings collections too, such as these:

More Thanksgiving Fun

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