Family Jokes

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.

I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.

I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

My daughter had a horrible peek-a-boo accident.

Now she’s in the I.C.U.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means…

And the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

“Am I mentioned in the will?” asked the nephew nervously.

“You sure are,” replied the lawyer. “It says right here… To my niece Susan I bequeath one hundred and fifty thousand dollars, to my cousin Alice seventy five thousand dollars, and to my nephew Paul who was always asking if he was mentioned in the will, I say, ‘Hi Paul’.”

My wife and I have decided that we don’t want kids.

They’re gonna be upset when we tell them.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.

She said, “I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.”

I asked to switch seats on my flight because I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby’s yours.

The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

Do you remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry”?

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, why is my sister called Paris?”

His Dad replies, “Because she was conceived in Paris.”

The boy says, “Ahh, thanks Dad.”

His Dad says, “You’re welcome, Backseat.”

“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is a great quote…

But it’s not the best way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

So the men can think about a solution in silence.

Breasts are like Lego.

They’re for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

Dads are like boomerangs…

I hope.

Husband: Honey, why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

I woke up to my wife and kids screaming.

I said, “What are you yelling about?”

They said, “You’re driving!”

My Mom learns something new from me every day.

She thinks it’s important to learn from your mistakes