Family Jokes

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.

“3:45 PM”, he said.

My dad always told me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”

He was a good man.

Terrible geologist though.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I said, “Tell him he’s very good. I don’t have a son.”

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby.

Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife.
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

I said, “That means it’s pasture bedtime.”

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s nice, but…”

“Look at what kids your age make in China!”

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.

I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.

I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

My daughter had a horrible peek-a-boo accident.

Now she’s in the I.C.U.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means…

And the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

“Am I mentioned in the will?” asked the nephew nervously.

“You sure are,” replied the lawyer. “It says right here… To my niece Susan I bequeath one hundred and fifty thousand dollars, to my cousin Alice seventy five thousand dollars, and to my nephew Paul who was always asking if he was mentioned in the will, I say, ‘Hi Paul’.”

My wife and I have decided that we don’t want kids.

They’re gonna be upset when we tell them.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.

She said, “I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.”

I asked to switch seats on my flight because I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby’s yours.

The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

Do you remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry”?

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, why is my sister called Paris?”

His Dad replies, “Because she was conceived in Paris.”

The boy says, “Ahh, thanks Dad.”

His Dad says, “You’re welcome, Backseat.”

“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is a great quote…

But it’s not the best way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

So the men can think about a solution in silence.

Breasts are like Lego.

They’re for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

Dads are like boomerangs…

I hope.

Husband: Honey, why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

I woke up to my wife and kids screaming.

I said, “What are you yelling about?”

They said, “You’re driving!”

My Mom learns something new from me every day.

She thinks it’s important to learn from your mistakes

“Neither a borrower or a lender be”, my Dad always used to say to me.

Which was a bit odd because he was a librarian.

My dad said to me, “Son, I want you to know you were adopted.”

I said, “You’ve got to be kidding me! Is that really true?”

He said, “Yes, get your things together. They’re picking you up in about an hour.”

This guy always smoked two cigarettes at a time. If anyone ever asked him why, he would always answer, “I’m smoking one for myself and one for my brother who is in jail.”

One day he was only smoking one cigarette. Someone asked him “Is your brother out of jail?”

He replied, “No, I quit.”

What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted.

My Granddad always used to say to me, “Fight fire with fire.”

It’s no wonder he got sacked from the fire service…

My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me.

I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.

My mum said to me at dinner last week that I overreact to criticism too much.

So I shot her.

I took my daughter down to the park this morning to feed the ducks.

The ungrateful so-and-so’s spat her out.

I’ve just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and just waited in the room where it’s located.

My Grandad has the heart of a lion…

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My mum said to me today that at the age of 45 it was about time I had my own place.

I said to her that since she is 75 I was hoping not to have to wait much longer.