Car Reversing

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.

“3:45 PM”, he said.

Fault Finder

My dad always told me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”

He was a good man.

Terrible geologist though.

Lying Son

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I said, “Tell him he’s very good. I don’t have a son.”

Daughter Arrested

The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson.

Childminder

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby.

Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife.
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby.

Music Fan

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

Time For Bed

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

I said, “That means it’s pasture bedtime.”

Phone Builder

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s nice, but…”

“Look at what kids your age make in China!”

Not My Son

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Childhood Home

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.

I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Uncommon Name

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.

I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

Corruption Defined

A little girl asks her father, “Daddy, what is corruption?”

Her dad replies, “Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”

The girl says, “But mommy said you should stop drinking!”

The dad says, “Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.”

The girl says, “Oh, okay!”

Ready To Retire

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means…

And the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.

50th Birthday Card

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

Will Mention

“Am I mentioned in the will?” asked the nephew nervously.

“You sure are,” replied the lawyer. “It says right here… To my niece Susan I bequeath one hundred and fifty thousand dollars, to my cousin Alice seventy five thousand dollars, and to my nephew Paul who was always asking if he was mentioned in the will, I say, ‘Hi Paul’.”

No Kids

My wife and I have decided that we don’t want kids.

They’re gonna be upset when we tell them.

Am I Ugly?

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.

She said, “I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.”

Screaming Baby

I asked to switch seats on my flight because I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby’s yours.

Botox For Beauty Pageants

The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

A Reason To Cry

Do you remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry”?

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Name Origins

A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, why is my sister called Paris?”

His Dad replies, “Because she was conceived in Paris.”

The boy says, “Ahh, thanks Dad.”

His Dad says, “You’re welcome, Backseat.”

One Man’s Trash

“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is a great quote…

But it’s not the best way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

Evacuated First

Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

So the men can think about a solution in silence.

Like Lego

Breasts are like Lego.

They’re for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

Real Names

Husband: Honey, why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

Who’s Driving

I woke up to my wife and kids screaming.

I said, “What are you yelling about?”

They said, “You’re driving!”

Learn From Your Mistakes

My Mom learns something new from me every day.

She thinks it’s important to learn from your mistakes

An Odd Librarian

“Neither a borrower or a lender be”, my Dad always used to say to me.

Which was a bit odd because he was a librarian.

You Are Adopted

My dad said to me, “Son, I want you to know you were adopted.”

I said, “You’ve got to be kidding me! Is that really true?”

He said, “Yes, get your things together. They’re picking you up in about an hour.”

Quitting Smoking

This guy always smoked two cigarettes at a time. If anyone ever asked him why, he would always answer, “I’m smoking one for myself and one for my brother who is in jail.”

One day he was only smoking one cigarette. Someone asked him “Is your brother out of jail?”

He replied, “No, I quit.”

Granddad Fire Fighter

My Granddad always used to say to me, “Fight fire with fire.”

It’s no wonder he got sacked from the fire service…

Taking Criticism Badly

My mum said to me at dinner last week that I overreact to criticism too much.

So I shot her.

Feed The Ducks

I took my daughter down to the park this morning to feed the ducks.

The ungrateful so-and-so’s spat her out.

Family Meeting

I’ve just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and just waited in the room where it’s located.

Time To Get My Own Place

My mum said to me today that at the age of 45 it was about time I had my own place.

I said to her that since she is 75 I was hoping not to have to wait much longer.