I get on really well with my drug dealer – he cracks me up…
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I’m not sure how to feel about that.
I walked into the bedroom today and tripped over the wife’s bra. It was a booby trap…
If I’m not mistaken, Tippex is pretty useless…
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.
It just goes from bad to worse!
“Are you serious – I can’t believe you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub.
“What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I said angrily.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
I said, “Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”
It’s always difficult texting someone to tell them a loved one has passed away…
Especially when your name is Lol.
My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta…
I love Switzerland.
I’m not sure what the best thing about it is, but their flag is a big plus…
I was at the cash machine the other day when a little old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance for her.
So I pushed her over.
I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”.
Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
My friend drowned in a half-empty bath tub yesterday…
and he was normally so optimistic.
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order…
A young woman is lying on her death bed close to the end. Her husband comes into the room and gently takes hold of her hand to comfort her.
The woman musters up what’s left of her strength and whispers “Darling, I must come clean with you”.
The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength.
She ignores him and continues anyway telling him that she hasn’t been completely faithful to him and that she’s had multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.
The man replies “I know darling, why do you think I poisoned you?”
I’m making a graph of my past relationships.
I have an ‘ex’-axis and a ‘why?’-axis.