German Jokes And Puns

These funny German jokes and puns certainly aren’t the wurst you’ve read! In fact, their are nein funnier jokes about Germany around!

Header image for a page of funny German jokes and puns.

Funny German Jokes

How does two German car enthusiast cowboys greet each other?

Audi, partner.

I often worry about German sausages.

Basically I fear the wurst.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

My grandad was responsible for 28 downed German planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

This German shepherd comes and poops on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog.

After he climbed out, he said, “Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine.”

I asked him, “Are you a vet?”

He said, “Vet? I’m soaking!”

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

I’ll never forgive the Germans for how they treated my grandfather during the war.

Passed over for promotion time and again.

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage.

Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

The German word for bra is…


Grandma is always saying to me, “Hey what’s the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff?”

Alzheimer, Grandma, it’s Alzheimer.

Germans have a word for everything.

It is “alles”.

I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers.

So far all I have is 9.

An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting.

The supervisor asked, “Can you see me ok?”

To which they answered, “Yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.

At what time of day do Germans disagree?


A German got pulled over by the police in France.

Police officer: “Name?”

German: “Heinrich Klimt.”

Police officer: “Age?”

German: “31.”

Police officer: “Occupation?”

German: “No, no. Just visiting.”

How do German Shepherds greet each other?


I just got food poisoning from a German food truck.

It was the wurst.

What did the German baker say when he met his friend?

Gluten tag.

A drunk German is urinating on a bush.

An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, “Gross!”

The German says, “Danke!”

We did a DNA test on our bullfrog.

Surprisingly, it was about 80% French, 15% German, and a tad Pole.

You could say German cities with a lot of people are…


No matter how kind you are…

German children are kinder.

I have a phobia of German sausages…

I fear the wurst.

I just don’t get how the German people could fall for Hitler.

There were an awful lot of red flags.

A German boy pushes his brother off a cliff.

“Look mom, no Hans!”

I’ve started writing German poetry.

Could be verse.

As a German I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

How do you taunt a German butcher?

Do your wurst.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They’re very efficient, and not particularly funny.

German snipers were impossible to see on the field.

They were called Not-Sees.

Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because it’s illegal.

What do you call a German virus?

A germ.

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.

If my luggage was full of German sausages…

That would be the wurst case scenario.

What do you call a big group of Germans?


I decided to delete all the German names from my phone.

It’s Hans-free now.

I thought I saw a flying German sausage, but it turned out to be a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

What is the German word for constipation?


My grandad used to say, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d all be speaking German right now.”

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.

No idea why the school hired him.

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, “Thanks, where are the other two?”

I sent my son to a German cooking school camp, but all he got to do is add herbs to sausages.

He had the wurst thyme.

English memes are dank, but German memes are danke.

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, “Dry?”

He replies, “Nein, just one.”

A German spy gave themselves away when I sneezed.

They said, “Gesundheit!”

It was a blessing in disguise.

Why doesn’t Germany just call their currency Ger-Money?

What did the German say when his clock broke?

“Ve have vays of making you tock.”

A reporter meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick and asks, “Are you a pole-vaulter?”

“No,” says the man. “I’m German. But how did you know my name is Walter?”

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kom tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby.

They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.

Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said, “It is a little tepid.”

His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked, “Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?”

To which the child replied, “Up until now, everything had been satisfactory.”

A German walks into a bar.

He sees a Jew sitting in the corner. He frowns and says to the bartender, “I’ll buy a round, for everyone but the Jew.”

The Jew smiles.

The German asks the bartender why, and he just shrugs.

So, the German does it again.

The Jew smiles even more.

Now, the German is annoyed.

He asks the bartender again, “What’s wrong with him?”

The bartender tells him, “He’s the owner, and he thanks you for your patronage.”

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I’d tap that.

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about Germans, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:

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