French Jokes And Puns

Oui’ve finally surrendered and brought you these funny French jokes and puns! There should be un oeuf here to satisfy your hunger for laughter!

Header image for a page of funny French jokes and puns.

Funny French Jokes

Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word.

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French.

What was left after the French cheese factory exploded?

Da Brie.

Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?

Because in France, one egg is un ouef.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.

Why do French people eat so many snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

I once thanked a French guy to death.

It was a merci killing.

Did you hear about the French chef who committed suicide?

Apparently he’d just completely lost the huile d’olive.

How did the old French cheese-maker die?

From age.

I can understand why French bakers hate me.

I feel their pain.

What do French people smoke?


Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battlefield.

At breakfast, my wife: Honey, you forgot the French toast.

Me: Oops. Sorry. raising glass VIVE LA FRANCE!

I asked a French man if he played videogames.

He said “Wii”.

I recently placed a bid for a rifle used in the war by a French officer.

It was in good shape having only been dropped twice in surrender.

I used to like French toast.

But making it is such a pain.

I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.

Worst French fries I’ve ever had.

What did one French man say to the other French guy.

I don’t know. I don’t speak French.

How do you know when a French Commander has been using your bathroom?

When you walk into the bathroom and you see the linoleum blown apart.

What did the French cat say when it wanted to go outside?

Le meow!

I finally found a genie in a bottle!

So I asked if it would be possible to change French positives to Spanish.

He replied, “Oui shall sí.”

The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is a little painstaking.

How do two French dudes share files electronically?

Pierre to Pierre network.

I made my mother’s French sister angry.

Now she’s a cross aunt.

What do you call a French guy attacked by a cat?


Why are French snails faster than American ones?

L’ess cargo.

Do French people play video games?


French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.

Her: Where is the 5th?

French guy: Cinq.

If you’re French when you’re outside and Dutch when you’re in the hallway, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?


Where do French criminals take baths?

In the j’accuse-i.

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi.

What do French policeman do with crime evidence?

Baguette and Taguette.

I have been trying to convince people on a military history forum that I’m French.

Finally I gave up.

You know what the worst thing about French pancakes are?

They give me the crepes.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me Madam, but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?”

“Easy,” said the teacher. “You just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is ‘two-thirds’, 3/4 is ‘three-fourths’, and 2/5 is ‘two-fifths’.”

“Thanks, I understand,” said the exchange student.

“Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the student, “So how do you say 4/8?”

“Should I reduce?” asked the boy.

“That would be best,” said the teacher.

“One-second,” said the boy.

“Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.

It’s the time of the French Revolution and they’re doing their usual daily beheadings.

Today they’re leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate.

The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.

They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

Being devoutly religious, they take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine.

He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest.

They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next.

He too decides to die facing up.

They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out, “Hey, I see what your problem is!”

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done.

In French we don’t say “ninety nine”…

Instead we say “quatre-vingt dix neuf” which translates as “we don’t have a functional numerical system”.

The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation.

Now it looks like the French landed on the moon.

What are the two problems with the French flag?

The red bit and the blue bit.

I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny puns and jokes about France and the French, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, such as these: