Russian Jokes And Puns

We’ve been Russian around to gather these funny Russian jokes and puns for you! If you don’t find them hilarious, then Soviet!

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Funny Russian Jokes

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.

And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

Americans, what are the two places in the house that you are no longer American?

In the bathroom, because then European, and in the hallway on the way to the bathroom because then you’re Russian.

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in.

“Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!”

“All of them?” he asks, putting down his rifle.

“No, only one.”

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

I met a noble Russian homosexual.

His name was Sir Gay.

I’m going to open a Russian grocery store and call it…

“Putin food on the table”.

I hate Russian dolls.

They’re so full of themselves.

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

Where does Russian milk come from?


What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?

A so-be-it union.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly.

They call her “Cagey B”.

Why are Russian cars so terrible?

Because no matter what gear they get Putin, they seem to always be Stalin.

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?


5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming.

There were red flags all over the place.

Russian history in 5 words:

“And then things got worse.”

Someone asked if I was Russian.

I said I’m not, I’m taking my time.

What do you call a wedding between two Russian people?

A Soviet Union.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

“Look at their calm, their reserve” says the Briton. “Surely they must be British!”

“Nonsense!” Replies the Frenchman. “They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!”

The Russian finally speaks, “They have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

Russian Roulette is such a mind blowing game.

Why did the Russians have a hard time getting to Alaska?

They couldn’t keep their bearings straight.

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian.

Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…

“Greetings, comrade.” says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, “I think you are American spy.”

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, “That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!”

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

“Very good, very good!” says the politician. “But I still think you are spy.”

The man continues to keep his cool.

“I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!”

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

“Amazing! You are skilled!” says the politician.

The spy smirks.

“But I still think you American spy.”

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, “I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!”

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, “You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy.”

The American spy, very drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

“Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?”

The Russian politician replies, “There aren’t many black people in Russia.”

Does anyone know if Russian Roulette is worth a shot?

A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella.

His wife asked, “What makes you say that?”

He replied, “Rudolph the red knows rain dear.”

I wish my kid would listen to me when I tell him about the dangers of Russian Roulette.

It goes in one ear and out the other.

The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian.

I told her I think we should take things slowly.

My grandfather was actually a champion at Russian Roulette.

He only lost the once.

What’s a Soviet Russian’s favorite unit of time?


I’m being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Did you know Russian soldiers used to eat pho for every meal?

Back then, they were Soviet.

Why were Russian cars notoriously bad from the 1920s to the 1950s?

Because they were always Stalin.

I’ve just been trying to set up my new Russian computer.

I typed in my password “Beef Stew” but an error message came up.

“Password not stroganoff”.

What do you call a Russian leader covered in gravy and cheese curds?

Vladimir Poutine.

When a Russian nesting doll makes a dad joke, nobody gets it.

Because they’re all inside jokes.

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange.

For instance, the priest never said, “You may now kiss the bride”, but I just assumed it was purely a Russian thing and didn’t mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food.

On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, “You may now kiss the bride!”

My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, “Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?”

My wife answered, “In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!”

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.

“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.

“I already speak Russian.”

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He’s wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering, “Turkish got 3 problems.”

Just a few seconds later a Turk comes up to him and says, “Hey, you know what you’re wearing is insulting?”

The Russian responds, “This is your first problem: You’re so easily offended.”

The Turk responds, “Okay, maybe we should settle this outside.”

The Russian calmly says, “That’s your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence.”

The Turk brings him outside and pulls out a knife.

The Russian says, “And here’s your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights.”

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyser like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says “Sorry comrade. We have no money.”

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and says, “Official government breathalyser test. Blow.”

The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, “You drunk. Go to Police Station.”

He stops the second driver and says, “Official government breathalyser test. Blow.”

The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, “You drunk. Go to Police Station.”

He stops the third driver and says, “Official government breathalyser test. Blow.”

The driver says, “You crazy? That is a condom!”

The cop says, “You not drunk. You free to go.”

A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, “I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

“Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

“And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color.”

The prince says, “I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed.”

“Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you.” The Russian explains.

“Well”, the prince says, “I’m looking for a strong, adult bull. I’m not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here.”

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

“Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?” He sputters.

“I told you. From Turkey.” The Russian explains. “Is tan bull, can’t stand a noble.”

Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”

The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”

The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”

“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know you’re a foreign spy!”

Smith: “WHAT? No! I’m a real American, I can name all 46 Presidents of the United States, in order, with the dates of their inaugurations and their Vice Presidents.”

Perry: “We still know you’re a spy!”

Smith: “You’re all wrong! I can name all fifty states, US territories, and all their capitals!”

Perry: “We still know you’re a spy!”

Smith: “Wait… I know every word of the national anthem, the pledge of allegiance, the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!”

Perry: “We still know you’re a spy!”

Smith: “Ok, I submit, I’m a Russian spy under a fake name. But… how could you tell?”

Perry: “Because Americans don’t know any of those things.”

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: “Name?”

The Russian replies: “Vladimir Krylov.”

The customs officer continues: “Occupation?”

The Russian replies: “Not yet, just visiting.”

What is Donald Trump’s favourite type of clothing?

Russian ties.

What’s a Russian’s best card to play?

Their Trump card.

Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?

Because he was a cagey bee agent.

What do you call it when a Russian’s wifi fails?


How can you spot the rank of a Russian?

By the stripes on his Adidas jumpsuit.

Do Russians only write in lower case letters?

I mean, they hate Capitalism.

My Russian girlfriend wouldn’t even teach me how to say hello in her language.

She says it’s private.

So there was an American and a Russian arguing.

The American said, “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country'”

The Russian said, “I can do the same thing!”

The American was stunned and said, “Really?”

The Russian responded, “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘General Secretary, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country.”

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union.

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda,” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published.”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then.”

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again asks, “May I have the latest edition of Pravda?”

And again the waiter replies, “Sir, the Soviet union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published.”

“Very well, I’ll have a coffee then”

And so it went the next day, and the next, until one day the waiter asked the Jew, “Sir, every day you come in and ask for Pravda, and every day I must remind you that the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published. So why do you keep asking?”

The elderly Jew replies, “Oh I know, I just like to hear you say it.”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our funny puns and jokes about Russians, be sure to take a look at the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, such as these:

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