Funny Sayings

Funny quotes and funny sayings can come in useful as ice breakers in meetings or to add to speeches. They’re also great for providing inspiration for what to write in birthday cards, letters and leaving cards too. And of course, they’re just amusing and great fun in their own right.

So here’s a great collection of funny sayings, just for you.

A collection of hilariously funny sayings and witticisms

42 Funny Sayings

Good judgement comes from experience, and experience… Well, that comes from poor judgement.

Everyday I struggle between “I want to look good naked” and “Treat yourself”.

Funny Sayings - Learn From Your Mistakes

They say you learn from your mistakes. That’s why I’m making as many as possible. Soon, I’ll be a genius!

If it’s the thought that counts… Then I should probably be in jail.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I don’t insult people… I describe them.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel. If there isn’t, it’s not a tunnel.

It’s not that I’m not a people person, it’s just that I’m not a stupid people person.

Everyday is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.

I’m a member of the CSI team – Can’t Stand Idiots.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle. Take two, and keep away from children.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have at least ten, so you can choose.

The pun is mightier than the word.

If people are talking about you behind your back, then just fart.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

Funny Sayings - I used to be a people person

I used to be a people person… But people ruined that for me.

If you say you’re cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Dear autocorrect, at no time have I ever meant “Ducking”.

I’m not fat. God gave me air bags because I’m precious.

You can’t be late until you show up.

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Common sense is not a gift, it’s a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

At night I can’t sleep. In the morning I can’t wake up.

When I was young, I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill, I’m scared of the lights.

Funny Sayings - Doing nothing

It may look like I’m doing nothing but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man-child who can’t look after himself.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Sarcasm helps stop you telling people what you really think of them.

Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do things.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I changed my car horn to the sound of gunshots. People move out of the way much faster now.

If each day is a gift… I’d like to know where I can return Mondays.

The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.

Nobody texts faster than an angry female.

I love to wave at random people, because I know they’ll spend the rest of the day trying to work out who I was.

Life is short… Smile while you still have teeth.

If you fart loudly in public just yell, “Jet power!” and start walking faster.

When I’m single, all I see are couples being happy. When I’m dating someone, all I see are singles being happy.

More Funny Quotes & Sayings

If you enjoyed this selection of funny sayings, you may also enjoy our other funny quotes and sayings such as these: