Funny Short Quotes

Here at LaffGaff, we love funny short quotes because they so succinctly describe the ridiculousness of life and everything that goes to make it what it is.

It’s amazing how much can humor can be found in so few words, and so we’ve gathered together our favorite examples of such funny short quotes for you. Enjoy!

Header image for a page of funny short quotes.

33 Funny Short Quotes

Below are 33 of our favorite funny short quotes. We hope they bring a smile to your day!

I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now.


You never know what you have until you clean your room.


A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it’s not open.

Frank Zappa

Why is it that at night I can’t sleep, but in the morning I can’t wake up?


I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times just to be sure.


If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Henry Youngman

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, the day gets brighter.


Dieting is wishful shrinking.


A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Franklin Jones

The future is shaped by your dreams. So stop wasting time, and go back to sleep.


Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

Bill Murray

If people are talking behind your back be happy that you’re the one who’s in front.


Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Albert King

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?


All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.


Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

Bill McGlashen

Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.


When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.

George Burns

I’m not lazy, I’ve just got energy saving mode turned on.


Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.

Dave Barry

Everything is funnier when you’re not allowed to laugh.


Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it most never use it.


Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Marilyn Monroe

My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.


Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.


I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.

Will Ferrell

Don’t worry if Plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet.


All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Charles M. Schulz

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.


A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove you don’t need it.

Bob Hope

Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done.


Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

More Funny Quotes

If you liked these funny short quotes, you may enjoy our witty quotes and our funny sayings too as well as the rest of our funny quotes such as these: