Funny Christian Quotes And Sayings

Christianity is a serious business but everything has it’s funny side. After all laughter is the best medicine – which is why we practice it religiously here at LaffGaff, especially when it comes to funny quotes.

And that’s the reason that we thought we’d gather together the best funny Christian quotes for you. And so without further ado, here they are.

A collection of really funny Christian quotes

Funny Christianity Quotes

The number of followers you have doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.


Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Billy Sunday

A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip.

Billy Graham

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

G. K. Chesterton

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Mark Twain

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Robert Orben

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

Mahatma Ghandi

The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.

Mark Twain

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.

Dante Rossetti

On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park.

Curtis McDougall

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me… they’re cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.

Thomas Ybarra

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.

Aldous Huxley

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means.

George Bernard Shaw

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.

Ronald Reagan

The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried.

G. K. Chesterton

People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them.

Dave Barry

Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple.

Thomas Paine

It is time the Arabs and the Jews sat down and settled this dispute in the true Christian spirit.

Senator Warren Austin

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

Herb Caen

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said “No”.

Stevie Smith

Funny Church Quotes

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to people who will never get there.

H. L. Mencken

Go to church this Sunday – avoid the Christmas rush.

London graffito

Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Fred Allen

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin

Funny God Quotes

If you use the church’s WiFi, are you receiving God’s signal?


I’d rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn’t, than to live my whole life assuming there isn’t a God, only to find out there is.

Peter Barry

Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.

Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation?

Joseph Heller

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?

Quentin Crisp

If there were no God, there would be no atheists.

G. K. Chesterton

Is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s blunders?

Friedrich Nietzsche

You talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.

Doris Egan

It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.

Peter De Vries

God is dead. But don’t worry – the Virgin Mary is pregnant again.

Los Angeles graffito

God is the immortal refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the miserable. They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a kind of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos. He will set them above their betters.

H. L. Mencken

Funny Prayer Quotes

The church is prayer-conditioned.


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?

Corrie Ten Boom

Most people do not pray; they only beg.

George Bernard Shaw

Prayer gives a man the opportunity of getting to know a gentleman he hardly ever meets. I do not mean his maker, but himself.

William Ings

Prayer must never be answered. If it is, it ceases to be prayer and becomes correspondence.

Oscar Wilde

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.

Robert Frost

When the Gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.

Oscar Wilde

Funny Quotes About Faith

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

Wilson Mizner

Some things have to be believed to be seen.

Ralph Hodgson

I’ve never understood how God could expect His creatures to pick the one true religion by faith – it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe.

Robert A. Heinlein

If there were no faith there would be no living in this world. We couldn’t even eat hash with any safety.

Josh Billings

Faith, to my mind, is a stiffening process, a sort of mental starch, which ought to be applied as sparingly as possible.

E. M. Forster

Those of little faith are of little hatred.

Eric Hoffer

Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains…. But it can put mountains where there are none.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Faith is much better than belief. Belief is when someone else does the thinking.

R. Buckminster Fuller

Scepticism is the beginning of faith.

Oscar Wilde

The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.

Benjamin Franklin

Faith my be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

H. L. Mencken

We have not lost faith. but we have transferred it from God to the medical profession.

George Bernard Shaw

More Funny Quotes

If you enjoyed these funny Christian quotes and sayings, you may also enjoy our funny sayings and our witty quotes, as well as these other funny quotes and sayings: