Witty Quotes

Here at LaffGaff we love funny witty quotes. They can be deep and meaningful or just plain daft, as long as they put a smile on our face we don’t care. After all, it’s always great to smile!

Below is a selection of our favorite witty quotes.

A collection of the most hilariously witty quotes

32 Wickedly Witty Quotes

Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

Benjamin Franklin

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Billy Sunday

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Bob Monkhouse

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different to this one?

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.

Darrin Weinberg

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters if I win or lose.

Douglas Adams

In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very unhappy and was widely considered as a bad move.

Greg King

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Lana Turner

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Mae West

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.

Miles Kington

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Oliver Herford

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Oscar Wilde

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

W. H. Auden

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I’ve no idea.

Winston Churchill

A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.

Witty Quotes

If you enjoyed our collection of witty quotes, be sure to check out our funny one liners and our classic jokes for even more fun and laughter. And you may also like the rest of our funny quotes pages, including these: