Dirty Christmas Jokes
Get into the holiday spirit with these dirty Christmas jokes for adults only! Note these jokes are rude and so are not suitable for kids.
If you're a grown-up, enjoy them!
Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas?
Because he was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
It was a cold Christmas Eve and a miserable woman stood on the edge of a high bridge as she contemplated suicide.
Just as she tried to step off, she felt someone grab her coat. She turned around to see Santa Claus pulling her back.
"Santa Claus?!?" she exclaimed.
"Yes indeed, but tell me, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?" Santa replied.
The woman answered, "Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me and my cancer has returned."
Santa said to her kindly, "Worry not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you'll have a message from your boss offering you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with your children, you'll have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone."
"My goodness!" exclaimed the woman. "That is truly a miracle, how can I ever repay you?"
Santa grinned slyly as he said, "Well, there is one way.. how about a blowjob?"
The woman was so grateful she readily agreed. "Okay, sure!" she said as she got on her knees.
She unzipped Santa and gave him the best blowjob of his life. After she had finished, Santa zipped up and asked the woman, "By the way, how old are you?"
"I'm 27," she answered as she wiped her mouth.
"You're 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?" Santa said, laughing heartily as he walked off into the night.
Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
Why does Santa land on the roof?
Because he likes it on top.
What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
Their balls are just ornamental.
Why did Santa name his penis Conjunction?
Because it joins Clauses.
One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress.
He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave and his sleigh wasn't loaded, and the elves were talking about going on strike.
Then an angel walked into his office and asked, "Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?"
And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.
What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?
A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
Because he only comes once a year and it's down the chimney.
Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa stopped at three hos.
Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Because she's married to a guy who only comes once a year.
What do the reindeer's wives do while their husbands are helping Santa deliver gifts all over the world?
They go into town to blow a few bucks.
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they've only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift - romantic, yet not too personal.
He asks the girlfriend's younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she'd like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.
The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.
But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realising. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:
"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey
What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?
Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickles their balls.
Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?
He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can't stop as fast.
Santa comes down a chimney one Christmas Eve and to his surprise finds a gorgeous brunette waiting for him, wearing the sexiest lingerie imaginable.
"Santa," she purrs, "Can you stay for a while?"
Santa says, "Ho, ho ho! I've gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!"
She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, "Santa, don't you have a gift you would like to give me?"
Santa says, "Ho, ho, ho! I've gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!"
The brunette takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, "Santa, are you sure there's no gift you'd like to leave?"
Santa says, "Hey hey hey, might as well stay. I can't get up the chimney this way!"
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming back down the street.
As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, "Are you going to put that up yourself?"
I said, "No, you sick pervert, I'm putting it up in the living room."
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he always wraps his package.
I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
This woman walks into a tattoo shop one Christmas and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tattoo artist says, "Now that's an unusual request. Why do you want two tattoos there?"
The woman replies, "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Year."
One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Why are Christmas trees better than men?
Even the small ones give satisfaction.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may also pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
Why are women like snow flakes??
They are all beautiful, they are all different, they can all be cold as ice, but they'll all melt when they land on your face...
One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Claus wrote him back, "Okay, send me your mother."
Julie was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy.
Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section, "How much is this gold tinsel garland?"
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, "This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per meter."
"Wow, that's great", said Julie, "I'll take 12 meters"
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Julie.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said to the youth, "My Grandpa will settle the bill."
Three garbage men were doing their Christmas rounds and collecting their well earned Xmas tips and gifts from the grateful householders when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac.
The first garbage collector went up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in very revealing attire, who said, "Oh yes, I know what you want!" as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him.
A short while later he returned bedraggled to the garbage truck and told his colleague what had happened.
His mate like the idea of some of that so he went to the house where once again the lady appeared, this time in even more revealing attire.
"Oh yes, I know what you want!" she said as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well.
Afterwards, he also returned bedraggled to the lorry and told the driver what had happened.
"Hmmm, I'll have a bit of that!" thought the driver and walked up to the house.
The lady opened the door and gave him $5.
"Hey!" said the driver, "What about the fun and games you gave my colleagues?"
"Oh that," said the woman "You can blame my husband for that."
"What's he got to do with it?" asked the driver.
The lady answered, "Well, he said to give $5 to the driver and **** the other two."
Bill woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home. Confused he tried to gather his thoughts, "It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. The wife must have gone to work."
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his heart sank as he wondered what the hell he did last night.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy; there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene.
He stumbled to the bathroom, which was also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye.
This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. "I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's sport on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Alison. xxx"
Bill stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper.
His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating. Bill, bracing himself for the worst, asked his son what happened the previous night.
His son said, "Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Bill was confused as he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mom and breakfast waiting for me?"
His son replied, "Oh, that! Well you see, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'"
Dirty Christmas Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of dirty Christmas jokes for adults, why not check out the rest of our sites for lots more funny jokes and laughs. And don't forget our Christmas trivia questions too! Not to mention our other Christmas jokes including these: