The Best Bad Dad Jokes
It seems that once they reach a certain age, all fathers start to tell really bad Dad jokes.
Maybe they do it just to wind their kids up, who knows.
Whatever the reason, we love them and so here's a collection of cringe-inducingly bad Dad jokes that are somehow still funny.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
- I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
- My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
- I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
- Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
- Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
- How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
- I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
- What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
- What do prisoners use to call each other?
- I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam programme I've ever seen.
- What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
- My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
- I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
- I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
- How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
- A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this." And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes". The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes. His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
- I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
- My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
- What kind of tea you drink with the queen?
- When's the best time to go to the dentist?
- What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
- The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
- There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
- Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
- What are bald sea captains most worried about?
- No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
- When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
- Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
- After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
- Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
- If prisoners could take their own mug shots, would they be called cellfies?
- Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
- What do you call a cake baked by a hooker?
- Dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
- This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
- I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
- How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
- My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
- What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
- My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
- How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
- What do you call an explosive horse?
- One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
- A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you’ve walked.
- I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
- What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
- I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
- What type of magazines do cows read?
Funny Dad Jokes
If you want more jokes like these bad Dad jokes, check out the rest of our funny jokes pages including these: