LaffGaff Archives

My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.

What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion?

Claude.

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

She said, “Wear your own then.”

I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up the hammer and saw.

I invented a sandal for one legged people.

It was a flop.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

What do you call a typo on a headstone?

A grave mistake.

Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek.

A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get.

The bartender says, “You can get those darn deer outta my bar!”

What do exploding pandas eat?

BamBOOM!

What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor?

An optical Aleutian.

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?

Manslaughter.

I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,” she tells the doctor, “but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”

“It’s okay,” says the doctor. “Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”

“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron…

Which is ironic.

I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

He asked, “Hard drive?”

I said, “No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.”

I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today.

His mom got really angry.

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it’s light.