LaffGaff Archives

Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek.

A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get.

The bartender says, “You can get those darn deer outta my bar!”

What do exploding pandas eat?

BamBOOM!

What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor?

An optical Aleutian.

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?

Manslaughter.

I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,” she tells the doctor, “but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”

“It’s okay,” says the doctor. “Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”

“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron…

Which is ironic.

I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

He asked, “Hard drive?”

I said, “No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.”

I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today.

His mom got really angry.

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it’s light.

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?

A hobblin’.

I’m working on a fitness routine for insects.

It’s going well, but I’m still trying to work out the bugs.

My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.

I told her she would roux the day.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I’d suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

I said, “That means it’s pasture bedtime.”

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha.

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.

Praying mantises don’t all follow the same religion.

They’re in sects.

What do you call an ox with a large bum?

Big buttocks.