LaffGaff Archives

What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms.

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.

But it’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

I married my wife for her looks.

Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

The movie Speed didn’t have a director.

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

What do you call the security in a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?

Py-rex.

Ego and superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id.”

I can’t tell you all Japanese history in one joke.

But I can Samurais.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s nice, but…”

“Look at what kids your age make in China!”

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.”

“What did they look like?” I asked.

He said, “Fifty dollar bills.”

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds.

Because every time I take them she goes away.

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot.

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

What’s it called when you kill chickpeas?

Hummuside.

A guy says to his wife, “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”

His wife replies, “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

The guy says, “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”

What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cut off date.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.

I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is!

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I’m Siri, you idiot!

What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention.

Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.

It’s also their biggest import.