LaffGaff Archives

I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent.

It goes without saying…

My teenage daughter can’t decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer.

I guess she’ll have to flip a coin.

Heads or tales.

The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

The year 2020 can’t end.

Because we’d be admitting 2021.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.

I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Pre- means before.

Post- means after.

To use both prefixes together…

Would be preposterous.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday.

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were okay.

I think my cat might be a communist.

He won’t shut up about Mao.

I ran over 5 miles today.

Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.

What do you call a fast escalator?

An escasooner.

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07.

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes please.”

He said, “No problem sir. Today is special.”

A bossy man goes into a bar.

He orders everyone a round.

Jack: How’s it going?

Beans: Pretty good.

Jack and the beans talk.

Apple have announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll.

I changed all my passwords to Kenny.

Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

What has five toes but isn’t your foot?

My foot.

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”

I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

What do you call an espresso with a cold?

Coughee.

Why are snakes measured in inches?

Because they don’t have any feet.

I’m in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend.

Haven’t laughed in two years.

Why did the small pepper wear a sweater?

It was a little chili.