LaffGaff Archives

Why did the small pepper wear a sweater?

It was a little chili.

What’s the last thing Jeff Bezos does before bed?

He puts his Pajamazon.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.

He refused.

I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyway.

I’m a gluten for punishment.

Why didn’t the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn’t habanero.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads.

As a doctor, I’m addicted to hitting my patients on their knees.

I really get a kick out of it.

What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?

A quarterback.

My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water.

I was like, “Well, damn.”

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.

Me: But you said 3.

Genie: Sue me.

I bought my husband a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.

I went into a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter, “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”

She said, “Slim to Nun?”

What do you call a bearded vase maker?

Hairy potter.

What do you call a caveman’s fart?

A blast from the past.

My boss came to me at lunch and said, “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to find you all morning!”

I shrugged and said, “Good employees are hard to find.”

I’m done being a people pleaser.

If everyone’s okay with that.

Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect.

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Her: “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”

Me: “Our relationship is what? Over.”

How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing – it’s on the house.

I went to a costume party dressed as a harp.

The host asked me, “What are you dressed as?”

I told him, “I’m a harp.”

He said, “But your costume is too small to be a harp.”

I was incredibly offended, and asked him, “Are you calling me a lyre?!”

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.

I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

3 years ago I married my best friend.

My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.