Giant Fly
A giant fly has attacked the local police.
Police have called in a SWAT team.
A giant fly has attacked the local police.
Police have called in a SWAT team.
The Rolling Stones.
On the Hogwarts Express.
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won’t admit she framed me.
Matthew and Luke.
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.
He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles.
Harry S. Truman.
Breaking news: a man has just been arrested for completing an origami course backwards.
We will update you as the situation unfolds.
I play chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped and went home.
Nigersaurus.
My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!”
I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”
“Stop eating caterpillars!”
Andromeda Tonks.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.
I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing.
But I can’t put my finger on it.
Theodore Roosevelt.
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah my old buddy, I want you to make me a new ark.”
Noah replies, “No problem God, my old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you’re the boss!”
But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other.”
“20 decks!”, shouts Noah. “Well, Okay Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yep, that’s right, well… sort of right… this time I want you to fill it up with fish,” God answers.
“Fish?” queries Noah.
“Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp!”
Noah looks to the skies. “Okay God, let me get this right, You want a new ark?”
“Yeah.”
“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”
“Yeah.”
“And you want it full of carp?”
“Check.”
“But why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
“Dunno,” says God, “I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Hitmen.
A pod.
I stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Noob Saibot (from Ed Boon and John Tobias).
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
In the beginning.
There’s something that I don’t like about “DO NOT TOUCH” signs.
I just can’t put my finger on it.
Bulgaria, Equitorial Guinea, Hungary, Iran, Kurdistan, Kuwait, Oman, Suriname, Tajikistan.
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s a novel idea.”
You do not talk about Fight Club.
A guy just finishes his Lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”
The surgeon tells him, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog.”
Tequila.
My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.
But I don’t think that anything would make my Budweiser.
The sailfish.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest…
For I have synonymed.
The Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens and Staten Island.
The sixth round.
My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction.
I don’t know where she’s coming from.
Not many people know that almost all garden gnomes have red hats.
It’s a little gnome fact.
Honolulu.
Emma Watson.
I just bought a gallon of correction fluid.
Big mistake.
What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?
Halloumi.
1972.
Bacchus.
I throw up whenever I hear a joke.
It’s a gag reflex.
Freddie Mercury.
My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”
I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”
Great Dane.
How do two German car enthusiast cowboys greet each other?
Audi, partner.