LaffGaff Archives

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought to myself, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight.”

A little girl asks her father, “Daddy, what is corruption?”

Her dad replies, “Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”

The girl says, “But mommy said you should stop drinking!”

The dad says, “Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.”

The girl says, “Oh, okay!”

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Finally, I threw in the towel.

My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, so she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.

It’s not like I did anything.

Among all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

What is a highlighter’s favorite Twister position?

Knee on yellow.

What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car.

I asked my dad, “Can we get some pets?”

He said, “No, pets are just a step backwards.”

Doctor: I’m sorry, but I had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

What is an electrician’s favorite type of news?

Current events.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

She soon came around.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

My wallet is like an onion.

When I open it, it makes me cry.

I used to be addicted to time travel.

But that’s all in the past now.

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

“I know for a fact we are gonna win,” said God. “We have all the best players up here…Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on.”

“I wouldn’t count on that, God,” said Satan. “You see, down here, we have all the referees.”

My massage therapist got fired.

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.

My daughter had a horrible peek-a-boo accident.

Now she’s in the I.C.U.

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They’re pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says “NO DOGS ALLOWED”.

The man with the doberman says “I know what to do, just follow my lead.” He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”

“A doberman for a guide dog?” The waiter asks, skeptical.

“Yes.” The man replies. “Dobermans are very loyal. They’re easy to train and protective too. They’re born for the job.”

The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”

“A chihuahua for a guide dog?” The waiter asks.

“A chihuahua?” The man asks. “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means…

And the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50.

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note…

I suck at darts.

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

What do lawyers wear to work?

A lawsuit.

I just bought a new blindfold.

I can’t see myself wearing it.

My wife said that quilts are better than duvets.

I told her to be careful making blanket statements like that.

Are people born with a photographic memory?

Or does it take time to develop?

My friend from Nepal has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

I bought a new pair of gloves today but they’re both “lefts”.

Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

What did the designers of Darth Vader’s costume model it on?

Mannequin Skywalker.

What does a condiment wizard perform?

Saucery.

What color is the wind?

Blew.

Which country is filled with very poor singers?

Singapore.

Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous.

I’ve never done a bungee jump before. Instructor: don’t lick my lips again.