LaffGaff Archives

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note…

I suck at darts.

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

What do lawyers wear to work?

A lawsuit.

I just bought a new blindfold.

I can’t see myself wearing it.

My wife said that quilts are better than duvets.

I told her to be careful making blanket statements like that.

Are people born with a photographic memory?

Or does it take time to develop?

My friend from Nepal has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

I bought a new pair of gloves today but they’re both “lefts”.

Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

What did the designers of Darth Vader’s costume model it on?

Mannequin Skywalker.

What does a condiment wizard perform?

Saucery.

What color is the wind?

Blew.

Which country is filled with very poor singers?

Singapore.

Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous.

I’ve never done a bungee jump before. Instructor: don’t lick my lips again.

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.

It was a hard drive.

My wife just threw away my favorite herb.

She’s such a thyme waster.

A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.

He’s the new temp.

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club.

It was open Mike night.

Two books meet in a library. The first book says “You don’t look too well”.

The other book replies “Just had my appendix removed.”

I started my new job at the pasta factory last week.

It’s been going well for the most part, just a fusilli mistakes.

I said to the doctor, “Every time I eat birthday cake I get heartburn”.

She told me to take the candles off first in future.

How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?

The scientific experiments altered his jeans.

Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?

Its beauty was unpresidented.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating pasta.

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

Has anyone else’s gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.

As a newly qualified veterinarian, I’m now permitted to treat animals.

Tonight, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

My book on clocks finally arrived.

It’s about time!

How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.

My sword doesn’t weigh much.

It’s my light saber.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

What do you call an annoyed lobster?

A frustacean.

What did 50Cent do when he got hungry?

58.

How does Darth Vader like his steaks?

Well, done done done, done da done, done da done.

I get depressed if I don’t play video games.

I always need to console myself.

What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?

Prime rib.

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

What happens to an egg every time you look at it?

It becomes egg sighted.

What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?

A constellation prize.

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

Dad jokes are important.

They are a big part of pop culture.

Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?

Because that’s when the steaks are highest.

My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”

I said, “That’s sound advice.”

A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland.

The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit.

My wife said it was a huge waist.

What is the favorite music of cheese?

R ‘N’ Brie.

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with tennis – and I’m too old.

I said, “I’m only 40 love.”