Going Deaf
My doctor told me I’m going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
LaffGaff Archives
Who played Harley Quinn in the 2016 movie Suicide Squad?
Show answer
Margot Robbie.
Expensive Teslas
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
It’s because they charge a lot.
Enhanced Senses
If you lose one of your senses, your other senses are enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.
Who was the youngest president of the United States?
Show answer
Theodore Roosevelt, who became president at the age of 42 years, 322 days.
Who did Lady Gaga duet with on the song Baby, It’s Cold Outside?
Show answer
Tony Bennett.
New Kitten
How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed?
You order it from the cat-alogue.
Lawn Mower
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
He just didn’t cut it.
Which Norse god had a hammer named Mjöllnir?
Show answer
Thor.
Twitter Addiction
Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.
Which Roald Dahl book is the sequel to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
Show answer
Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator.
Flight Possibility
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly …
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What is the most abundant metal on Earth?
Show answer
Aluminum.
Diabetes Awareness
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies…
Is this a trick question?
What are the names of the four teenage members of Mystery, Inc. in Scooby Doo?
Show answer
Fred, Shaggy, Daphne and Velma.
Pretty Positive
I got called pretty today.
Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
Who wrote the book The Catcher in the Rye?
Show answer
J.D. Salinger.
The Computer
My boss calls me “The computer”.
It’s nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
What animal is the world’s largest land mammal?
Show answer
The African elephant.
Scared Yoda
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
What significant event in mobile phone history occurred on 3 December 1992?
Show answer
The first SMS text message was sent.
Grease Soundtrack
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head…
He said, “Tell me more”.
In which US state is the Masters golf major championship played every year?
Show answer
Georgia.
Grant Aid
My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.
He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
What was the name of Moses’ sister, according to the bible?
Show answer
Miriam.
Self Centered
People call me self centered.
But that’s enough about them.
Mount Elbrus is the highest peak in which country?
Show answer
Russia.
Postal Service
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
It’s mail-dominated.
Who was the Greek god of war, bloodshed and violence?
Show answer
Ares.
Social Distancing
Social distancing has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear such measures will push someone over the edge.
Which scientist discovered the neutron?
Show answer
James Chadwick, in 1932.
Flat Tire
What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?
A-spare-I-guess.
What animal does cashmere come from?
Show answer
The cashmere goat.
Coconut Shampoo
I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…
I don’t even have a coconut.
In which country did curling originate?
Show answer
Scotland.
Sail Purchase
I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.
Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.
They said it’s too late.
That sail has shipped.
Which actor played Xenophilius Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies?
Show answer
Rhys Ifans.
Wistful Tree
Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?
Pine.
Who became the 33rd President of the United States, after the death of Franklin D. Roosevelt in 1945?
Show answer
Harry S. Truman.
Nice Pendant
I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in it.
It means the world to her.
What is the name of the comic book store in Big Bang Theory?
Show answer
The Comic Center of Pasadena.
Greatest Sci-Fi Show
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Who produced the Michael Jackson album Thriller?
Show answer
Quincy Jones.
No More Glasses
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
What is singer Fergie’s real name?
Show answer
Stacy Ann Ferguson.
Dolly Parton Diet
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….
Diarrhea Awareness
On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
Which planet has the strongest gravity?
Show answer
Jupiter.
Who replaced Judas Iscariot as one of the 12 Apostles after his betrayal of Jesus?
Show answer
Saint Matthias.
Hurts To Say
It hurts me to say this…
But, I have a sore throat.
