LaffGaff Archives

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands.

There are no canaries there either.

I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.”

I said, “Sure, there’s that…”

“But it’s just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.”

When I was a child we used to roll down hills in old tires.

Those were the good years.

Can February March?

No, but April May.

I once met an astronaut who was claustrophobic.

Turns out he just needed a little space.

My dad always told me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”

He was a good man.

Terrible geologist though.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I said, “Tell him he’s very good. I don’t have a son.”

I’ve offered my elderly neighbor $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she’s going to take me up on it.

Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover.

The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson.

Some people always need their opinions validated.

Am I right?

My wife said to me, “I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait. I can change.”

Finally my winter fat has gone…

Now, I have spring rolls.

My doctor told me I’m going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.

It’s because they charge a lot.

If you lose one of your senses, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed?

You order it from the cat-alogue.

I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.

He just didn’t cut it.

Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.

Doctor: I don’t follow you.

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly …

And as you can see, they were Wright.

I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies…

Is this a trick question?

I got called pretty today.

Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

My boss calls me “The computer”.

It’s nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

Because 6, 7, 8.

I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head…

He said, “Tell me more”.

My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.