We’re not trying to stirrup trouble, but we reckon these are the best horse jokes and puns you’ll find. If you don’t think so, you won’t disagree furlong once you run them pasture eyes. That’s because there’s no night-mare jokes here. No, not a single tail of whoa; only the most funny horse jokes you could wish for.
So enjoy this collection of funny horse jokes. And if you do, take a look at the rest of our animal jokes too.
Funny Horse Jokes And Puns
After the last fence he was leading easily but he pulled up way too early allowing two other horses to pass him.
After the race the jockey was so mad with what he’d done, that he stuck a pin in the horse, then he stuck a pin in the trainer and then the owner.
Because of this he was called in front of the Stewards.
When he was facing them, he stuck a pin in himself.
The Stewards said to him, “You’re a disgrace. Not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down, you have let yourself down too.”
He orders a glass of the most expensive champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.
When the bartender serves them to him, he quickly downs them all.
Then he says, “You know, I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got…”
The bartender asks, “Why, what have you got?”
The horse replies, “About 2 dollars and a carrot.”
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind!”
He’s enjoying the film when he notices a horse sitting next to him.
Somewhat surprised to say the least, he asks, “Are you a horse?”
The horse replies, “Yes.”
The guy says, “What are you doing at the movies?”
The horse says, “Well, I liked the book.”
He told a tale of whoa.
Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it.
The farmer said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”
The guy said, “He looks just fine. Tell you what, I’ll give you $1,000 for him.”
The farmer again said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”
The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500.
The farmer said, “Well, he doesn’t look so good but if you want him that much he’s yours.”
So the guy bought the horse and took him home.
The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, “Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!”
The farmer calmly said, “I told you he didn’t look too good, didn’t I?”
My horse drowned.
The bartender says: “Hey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.”
The horse replies, “What, George?”
Once the vet has finished, the owner asks him, “Will I be able to race him again?”
The vet replies, “Of course! And you’ll probably beat him too.”
Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He somehow manages to keep control of his horse and pulls back into the lead once more, only to then be hit by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies.
Using all his ability, he manages to steer his horse back into the lead as he goes over the last fence and into the run-in.
But then he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
This time, despite all his best efforts, he can’t regain the lead and only manages to finish second.
He immediately goes to the stewards and complains that he has been seriously hampered.
The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
It came in so late they had to pay the jockey overtime.
“What was that for?” he shouts.
His wife says, “I was just doing the laundry and I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name “Marylou on it. Who the hell is she?”
The guy says, “Oh, don’t worry about that dear. Do you remember when I went to the horse racing with my friends the other week. Marylou was the name of the horse I was backing.”
Satisfied, his wife returns to the laundry but a few minutes later she comes running back into the room and hits her husband over the head with the frying pan again.
“What was that for?” he shouts.
His wife says, “Your horse just called.”
To the horse-pital.
When it’s neck and neck.
Because he was a little horse.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, “Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?”
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, “Sorry, we’re not hiring. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The horse says, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A night mare.
He says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I’ve had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong.”
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, “It’s okay, it’s nothing serious; you’re just a little horse.”
At the track you really mean it.
Horse Jokes & Puns