We were a little worried we wouldn’t be able to Philippine-ough of a page to bring you these funny Filipino jokes and puns but then we found a Manila folder full of them!
Funny Filipino Jokes
What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A manila folder.
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, “Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight.”
So the Chinese guy says, “I love liver and cheese.”
She says, “That’s not good enough.”
The Japanese man says, “I hate liver and cheese.”
She says, “That’s not creative.”
Finally, the Filipino says, “Liver alone, cheese mine!”
If someone from Holland married a Filipino…
Would their kids be Hollapinos?
A Pinoy (Filipino) dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks, “What do they do here?”
He is told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Filipino hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks, “What do they do here?”
He is told. “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Filipino devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in?”
“Because there is always a brownout, so the electric chair does not work. Somebody stole all the nails to sell it by the kilo. And the devil used to be a public official, so he comes in, punches his time-card, shakes hands with all the people waiting there and then goes back home…”
What do you call two Filipino pilots?
A pair of pliers.
What did one Filipino statue say to the other?
“Is statue?”
Three Filipino bears drive their car into a lake.
Which one didn’t get wet? The dry-bear.
Which one didn’t die? The surbibear.
Which one fixed the car? McGuybear.
A French, a Japanese and a Filipino were captured by tribesmen.
The chieftain says to them, “Go into the forest and pick any fruit you like.”
Fearing their lives, they all went to the forest and got the first fruit they saw.
The French guy came back first carrying three apples.
The chieftain says to the French guy, “If you can fit all those three apples up your butt with a straight face, you’re free to leave.”
Up goes one apple but he taps out on the second so he is killed by the tribesmen.
Then the Filipino came back with some grapes.
The chieftain says to the Filipino guy, “If you can fit all those grapes up your butt with a straight face, you’re free to leave.”
Up goes one grape, then the second then the third but he suddenly laughs so the tribesmen killed him.
In heaven the French guy asked the Filipino why he died because the grapes were easy.
The Filipino replied, “I know but I laughed so hard when I saw the Japanese guy carrying a jackfruit.”
John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!
Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA to the cabin saying, “Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. Unfortunately we have lost one engine, but do not worry, I will ensure your safety.”
The plane lands on water, and the captain calmly says, “Hello passengers, we have successfully landed on the water, I hope all of you are fine! Now, all of the people who can swim, please go to the right side of the plane. The people who can’t, please go to the left.”
Peter mentioned to John, “Pare (word in Filipino meaning close friend), this is what I love about Philippine Airlines! They always have backup plans for every situation!”
John replied, “Yeah, pare, I agree, the crew is well trained in these situations!”
After everyone was arranged according to their swimming abilities, the captain spoke, “Everyone who is on the right side of the plane, please evacuate the plane immediately and carefully. And to those on the left side of the plane…”
“Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.”
It is common in the Philippines for families to live in one-bedroom homes.
One night a couple wanted to make love, and so they had their child look the window.
As the couple made love, the child continued to look out the window without turning around.
When the couple was done, the father asked the child, “So, what did you see out the window?”
The child replied, “The neighbors were making love too.”
Confused, the father asked, “How could you tell?”
The child answered, “Their kid was looking at me from their window too.”
What do you call a hot Filipino?
A Filipiño.
An annual weaponry competition is being held.
There is one representative each from every country.
Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture.
A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it.
The more precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.
The next competitor goes up, representing the USA as a Native American.
He readies his tomahawk and the fly is released.
He brings the tomahawk down, cutting the fly clean in two.
The audience shouts in appraisal.
The next competitor steps up, representing India.
He says a quick prayer and the fly is released.
The khanda in his hand slices horizontally and the fly is also split in two, except horizontally.
The crowd cheers raucously.
The next competitor steps forth, representing Japan.
He brandishes his odachi and puts it back in the scabbard.
The fly is released and the swordsman clicks his sword back in.
A second later, the fly splits into eight pieces.
The audience woah-s in amazement.
The final competitor goes up, representing the Philippines.
He walks in indignation, clutching a scythe.
The audience boos him, saying, “That’s not a sword!” and so on.
Nevertheless, he readies his scythe and the fly is released.
He slashes and the fly seems untouched.
The crowd laughs in mocking tones, but the Filipino competitor grabs the mic and says, “Ladies and gentlemen, look closer, and you’ll see that this fly won’t be a father anytime soon.”
I’m half Filipino and half Greek, so what am I?
I’m a freek.
How would you know if someone else is a Filipino?
They would tell you.
Why do Filipino children always follow you around?
Because they’re taught to Tagalong.
What do you call a Nordic cyclist with a Filipino accent?
Biking.
A teacher asked a Filipino student to use the words defense, defeat, and detail in a sentence.
The student answered, “Da dog jamped ober da pens: pers da peet and den da tail.”
A teacher asked a Filipino student to use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence.
The student answered, “Da telepone went green, green so I pink it ap and say yellow.”
Filipino Jokes
If you liked these hilarious puns and jokes about Filipinos, be sure to take a look around the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
