We thought we’d just wonton-ly bring you these funny Chinese jokes and puns because we’re so rice! We think you’ll find them highly a-Mao-sing!
Funny Chinese Jokes
Chinese take out: 8 dollars.
Tip: 2 dollars.
Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order…
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
How Long is a Chinese name.
Two Chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest.
After one wins, the other looks at him and says…
Who is the Chinese President?
No, Xi is. Hu was his predecessor.
How much does Chinese food weigh?
A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”
Chinese: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all.”
Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!”
Chinese: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.”
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian and the wife half Chinese and half Italian.
Both wishes to have their son name after their heritage.
After much argument they decided on the name.
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.
The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.
The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”
The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
Our waiter at a Chinese restaurant said, “Soy sauce”.
So I said, “Hola, Sauce. Soy papá”.
I’m always the last one eating at the Chinese buffet.
Rice guys finish last.
Why don’t Australians make jokes about Chinese food?
Because that would be ricest.
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him, “Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same?”
He replied, “Kim’s at the bar getting drinks, I’m his wife.”
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
I got an iPad from my Chinese friend.
I love home-made gifts!
I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting “We want rights! We want rights!”
They must be scared of the dark or something.
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He’s calling it “That’s What Xi Said”.
What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
What has two wings and an arrow?
A Chinese telephone.
My Chinese friend died the other day…
What do you call a rich Chinese person?
Why are Chinese kids so good at math?
Because their dog doesn’t eat their homework.
An Asian guy walks into a bar.
He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer.
The guy next to him asks, “Do you know kung fu or karate or any other martial art?”
The Asian guy replies, “Why you ask this, is because I Chinese?”
The other guy replies, “No it’s because you’re drinking my beer.”
A confused Chinese student asks his master: “Master Shi, why do all Chinese look the same?”
Then the Master replied: “I am not Master Shi.”
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language…
Entirely out of tattoos.
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like to live in China.
He says he can’t complain.
What do you call a Chinese gamer with a fast connection?
What should you do if the lights in a Chinese restaurant are too bright?
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
Our Chinese food came without any cookies.
It was unfortunate.
How heavy is the Chinese elephant?
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!” says a white man to a Chinese national.
“No we didn’t,” replies the Chinese national.
“But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!”
“No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is… uh…”
What’s the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who’s been run over by a bus?
One’s a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian.
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking.
“No no no,” he said. “Two Wongs don’t make a white.”
I pushed a Chinese person down a flight of stairs.
It was wong on so many levels.
A Chinese child was born before his due date.
His parents named him “Sudden Lee”.
Why did the lion get his hair cut on his way to the Chinese restaurant?
Because he wanted a Lo Mein.
Old Chinese proverb:
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
I ordered 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup.
It weighed one ton.
I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.
I can’t condone such wonton acts of destruction.
If your girlfriend can cook good Chinese food, you’d better marry her…
Szechuan of a kind.
How are Chinese food restaurants still in business?
They lose fortunes every day.
How does a Chinese cowboy say hello?
I made Chinese for Easter dinner.
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest dinner.
You know what they say about assuming…
It makes an ass out of you and Ming.
I don’t know who Ming is, probably some poor Chinese lady.
I plan to open a 24 hour Chinese restaurant.
I’m going to name it Wok Around the Clock.
I ordered some General Tso chicken from my favorite Chinese restaurant but they were all out of MSG.
It was just Tso Tso.
What do you call a Chinese vampire?
Two Chinese guys rob a distillery.
The one guy asks, “Is this whiskey?”
The other man replies, “Not as whiskey as whobbing a bank.”
Did you know Barry Gibbs of the Bee Gees is a pretty good Chinese chef?
Well, you can tell by the way he use his wok.
A friend and I decided to open a Chinese cookie business.
We’re going to make fortunes.
What vessels sail the waters of the Chinese internet?
What do you call a Chinese athlete caught cheating?
I rented out a room to two beautiful Chinese women.
They never complain, they keep to themselves and they always pay their rent on time.
The only weird thing is they insist on paying me in stir-fry.
But all in all, I guess they’re pretty lo mein tenants.
What do you call a Chinese spy?
I don’t understand Chinese philosophy.
It Confucius me.
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick.
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it’s intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.
The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.
After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.
“But I feel like I’m dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn’t the coronavirus what is it?” worriedly asked the casket.
“I’m not sure,” answered the doctor. “We’ll have to run some more tests.”
“But my fever, the pain in my lungs… what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?”
The doctor thought for a moment then answered, “SARS cough I guess.”
Have you seen that new Chinese/Mediterranean restaurant started by that guy from Cairo?
It’s called Wok like an Egyptian.
My name’s David, but my Chinese friends call me Dawei.
I guess that’s just dawei it is.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant.
He’s calling it Wok of Life.
I accidentally installed a program that keeps on showing me pictures of Chinese politicians.
I think it’s maoware.
I think my grandmother was inspired by the Chinese Communist Party.
Whenever I visited, I only got to see the good china.
Our Chinese baker is morbidly obese.
He specializes in four chin cookies.
Why was the cannibal’s Chinese restaurant shut down?
For human rice violations.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, “You’re in charge of shoveling.”
To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, “You’re in charge of sweeping.”
And to the skinny Chinese man he says, “You’re in charge of supplies.”
He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.”
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?”
He replies, “I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.”
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”
He replied, “Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel’ a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin’ him onywhar.”
The foreman is really annoyed now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…
In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.
Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept trying to dissuade him.
Ving filled out all the paperwork and submitted it, but instantly regretted his decision.
He was told that since the paperwork had already gone through he’d had to pay an extra fee to undo his name change.
Ling was so happy that Ving decided not to go through with it he offered to pay, but when he took out his money all of a sudden their elderly Chinese father stormed in, dressed in shorts with the American flag printed upon it, embraced Ving and started singing:
“Don’t stop, be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling.”
I went out for Chinese last night.
I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery.
He thanked me.
What do you call Jehova’s Witnesses in Chinese?
Hey girl, are you a Chinese immigrant from the 1800s?
Because I want to make you mine.
If Adam and Eve were Chinese…
Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him, “How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?”
He said, “Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked “What is your name?” He replied “Kannaswami”.
Then she looked at me and asked, “What’s your name?”
I said, “Sem Ting”.
Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.
One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.
A Chinese guy goes to see the eye doctor.
The eye doctor says to him, “Sir, I think you have a cataract.”
The Chinaman says back to him, “No I don’t. I have a rincorn conninenal!”
I’m so tired of jokes about Chinese people.
There’s like a billion of them and they’re all the same.
Why do Chinese people love playing Among Us?
It’s the only place they can vote.
I recently started dating a Chinese girl but I’m not sure if I want to keep going.
She’s been raising a lot of red flags.
Did you hear about the Chinese magician who did magic with chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
What is another name for an Asian assassin?
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mom or my dad.
Or my older brother, Colin.
Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.
Why don’t the Chinese play cricket?
They eat the bat.
If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about the Chinese, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: