Funny Italian Jokes And PunsFunny Italian Jokes And Puns

Wherever you may Rome, you'll never find better Italian jokes and puns than these!

They may be ever Sicily, but they're still hilarious.

So enjoy these funny Italian jokes...

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way.

What do you call an Italian suppository?

An innuendo.

What do you call a Roman with a cold?

Julius Sneezer.

What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

Luigi and Paulo were out fishing in the Mediterranean sea one day when a World War II mine came floating along.

On seeing it coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouted at his friend "Hey Paulo, it's a mine, it's a mine!!!"

Paulo replied " Okay Luigi, you can-a have it!"

My Italian girlfriend bet me I couldn't make a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said, "Don't be Sicily."

Is the rough part of Italy called the spaghetto?

How does an Italian get into an honest business?

Through the skylight.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?

Because they're good at espresso themselves.

What do you call an Italian with no arms?

Mute.

How does every Italian joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

Where do pepperonis go on vacation?

The Leaning Tower of Pizza.

Why do Italian men have mustaches?

So that they can look like their mothers.

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

They don't like any witnesses.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

These three spies get captured one day - a French spy, a German spy and an Italian spy.

Their captors come into the cell where the spies are being held, grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.

They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.

4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.

The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.

The Italian spy says, " I wanted to, but I couldn't move my hands!"

What do you call an Italian hooker?

A pasta-tute.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Italy?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

Two Italian men get on a bus one day. As they sit down they become engaged in an animated conversation. The woman sitting behind them ignores them at first, but she starts to listen intently when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," said the woman indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Did you hear about the winner of the Italian beauty contest?

Me neither.

What does FIAT stand for?

Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.

What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?

Fifty pounds and a black dress.

As is tradition in Italian families, Maria spends her wedding night in her family home. Maria is a good Catholic girl who has saved herself for her wedding night and her mother sleeps in the next room in case she has any questions. She says to Maria, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."

Maria goes to the bedroom with her new husband and as they're preparing for bed, her husband unbuttons his shirt. When she sees his chest, Maria jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"

Her Mama reassures her, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

So Maria goes back, but when her husband takes off his belt, she jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"

Once again, Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

So Maria goes back and finally, her husband takes off his shoes. Due to a childhood accident, he only has half of his left foot. Maria jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"

Her mother leaps up and announces, "Stand back, Maria -this is a job for Mama!"

Two old Italian friends are walking and talking one cold winters day.

One of them is excitedly chatting away about his work, family, and life in general.

The other friend though just listens intently without speaking. This goes on for a while until the talkative onesuddenly stops and says, "My friend! You haven't said a word since we left the house! Is everything okay?"

The quiet one replies, "Oh, sorry, yes. I've just forgotten my gloves."

Why are so many Italian men called Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp 'To N.Y'. on them.

Italian Jokes & Puns

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