Funny New Year Jokes & Puns
New Year is a time to celebrate the dawn of a new year and the chance for new beginnings. And what better way to celebrate than with these funny New Year jokes and puns!
Happy New Year, we hope it's a good one!
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a cop.
"What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the officer.
"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Bill.
"And who in their right mind is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" asked the cop sarcastically.
"My wife," slurred Bill grimly.
A New Year's Bidet.
Brian says to him, "I thought you'd made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking?"
Jim replies, "I'm in the process of quitting. Right now, I'm in the middle of phase one."
"Phase one?" asks Brian
"Yeah," laughs Jim. "I've quit buying."
Justin Bieber gets jealous.
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
He gave up thinking.
Something that goes in one year and out the other.
With either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Middle age is when you're forced to.
The bartender says to him, "We're in the middle of June, you drunken fool."
The drunk says, "Oh my God, my wife is going to kill me! I've never been so late in all my life!"
That your parents started the new year with a bang.
New Year's restitution.
New Ears Day.
Moo Year's Day.
I haven't seen you for a year!
New Year's hay.
New Year's Steve.
A New Year's revolution.
When she got there, her Dad said to her, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a single line? Why didn't you call?"
The girl started to cry as she replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."
Her Dad shouted in rage, "Whaaatt!!? Get out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."
The girl answered, "OK, Daddy. If that’s your wish, that's what I'll do; I understand. First though, I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, the title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £7 million. And for my little brother, I brought this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside. Oh yes, plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
Her Dad interrupted her, "Now what was it you said you had become, again?"
The girl started crying again as she said, "A prostitute, Dad!”
Her Dad said, "Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "It's not just one car, Ethel. There’s hundreds of them!"
New Year Puns & Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of New Year jokes and puns, be sure to check out the rest of our site for lots more laughs including these other holiday jokes: